In Knowing What I Had and Being Forced To Let It Go

it's like.. finding the right shoes like it's tailor-made for you. and yet.. you can't afford it.

Yang.

It's been a long time since I've seen her like this. Glowing with different sets of colors, vibrant and rich. She's passionate, I could see it in her eyes. And the man standing behind her could barely sense this. He's like this tiny box, unfitting for her spreading blasts of colorful beams. It just feels wrong. And I could see, in glimpses that she's feeling rather unsatisfied. His humble gestures were no match to her brilliance. She's an angel--no, a faerie--on a short leash, unable to fly.

I'm In Love with My 2-year-old Nephew

Oh wow, I just got home from Bintaro. Just visited two houses of my relatives. I met my favourite nephew today, his name is Carlo. He's only 2 years old but man, he can take my breath away. :D We didn't get along quite well at first, he kept running off from me. But once I have my mom's digicam in my hand, we became best buddies. But take this, most toddlers like their pictures taken. Not Carlo. He loves taking pictures. He got really high when he clicked the shutter and the flash went off. Trouble was, he put his fingers on the lens so all you got is red-ish pictures.

that's him, and one of the pictures he took

Unlike other 2-year-olds who keeps whining and weeping all the time, he didn't cry ONCE this evening. He just kept running around, showing everybody his daddy's car, comparing it to the cars he saw in a magazine, learning new words and practically absorbed everything I taught him. The funny thing was when I pointed a picture of Noordin M Top on Tempo Magazine and I asked him who it was, he answered "Papa."
It's fatalistic to mistake a crazy terrorist for your father.

Today I'm reminded of how much I've missed out. I love my family. Both sides. My father's side, well, they're more relaxed. I can connect with them in no time at all. They don't gossip much and they don't ask the exact same questions each year we see each other. Well, some of 'em don't. The old ones still do. My mom's family are mostly women so you know what you'll get. But I'm a bit closer to them so I know almost everyone.
They all have their kinks but, hey, whose family doesn't? I find myself making more effort to communicate with them and the more I do, the more I enjoy being around them. Well, maybe once or twice a year is the perfect amount to see that big of a family. You really get to like them. Spend more time than that, you might get irritated.

I think I'm lucky. In a way.


On the ride home, seeing the streetlamps of Pondok Indah, I was reminded of a fragment of my past. Hmm. Then I thought about Le Babouin. I miss him so much I could die.

Surgical.

It's a little past eleven and already the sun is searing hot. And I mean ho-oott! Second day of Syawal, I've been busied all morning with houseworks and Murakami. Yep, I finished the Murakami. What do I think of it? Hmm. Otherworldly, I guess. Reading his book is like exploring through a series of subconscious experiences, like being in one of my dreams where everything's distorted but you can see a lot of different things in there. Every emotion is projected a certain way. Like this dark corner of yourself you never thought you have but you always see when you're sleeping. When everything else is dark. That's how I feel about Murakami. One of my friends once mentioned about how he couldn't seem to enjoy Murakami's novel because he couldn't find closure in the end. Maybe that's what it is. It left you.. lingering. Like when you find yourself looking through the window to an open sky and just stay there for a couple of minutes without any thought whatsoever, as your eyes began to get unfocused and everything else around you blurred out. You thought you were waiting for something to appear, but you settled just by gazing absently.

Yes, it got me this emotional. I don't know. I think I need this kind of reading. Not just meaningless tweets or obligatory news stories. Makes me wanna write. :)

Today I might be doing my round of silaturahmi. Visiting relatives, driving around the empty streets of Jakarta. Maybe later I'll drop by to the nearest bookstore and go grab Dan Brown's new fiction. Hmm. Another conspiracy story. Nice. I can't wait to go on an adventure with Robert Langdon again.

I'm in a crossroad. I think I can feel myself building new walls, slowly but ever so sure. I feel the presence of Ms. Cristina and Ms. Yang again. They've been gone for a while, but now they're back. Arguing again. I hate them. I want them to go away.

Yang : But you need me, Cristina. You need me now more than ever.

Victorious.

And at last.. here we are. The end of Ramadhan, in the eve of victory. The time we always spend with our family. The time when I have to drag myself to my kitchen and make myself useful. The noisy night, with a bunch of kids praising God on the speaker. The most familiar time. Blissful.

So with this, needless to say more, I just wanna ask your forgiveness, for my misdemeanors, my false presumptions, my thick head, my sharp tongue, .. my wrong doings.

Cheers,
Kalista Cendani

PS. I might do a feature on this event, probably post it on UPIU. wish me luck!

How to Force Myself Out of Misery.

Hello. I just got home from a movie in Djakarta Theater with Le Babouin. Funny movie. Entertaining, despite the fact that we got there late and I was distracted most of the time. No. NOT doing "stuff". Something else.
On the way home, for the 700th time, we got a flat tire. A screw screwed into the tire mercilessly, creating a bang. So we pulled over and started to look for a tukang tambal ban. We found one, rather quickly too. As I look around, I noticed something. Hey, isn't that a tombstone? There's another one. And another one. And another one. Oh. That's a graveyard. That oughta be rich. Ha. But no, nothing incidental.

Murakami update : getting interesting. I think I'll finish it in a couple of days.

I feel rather down tonight. Le Babouin is going away for holiday and I'm kinda left with a trail of pain. Sometimes I think to myself : how did I get into this? Lately, the pain has become unbearable. And I HATE BEING THOUGHT OF AS SOMEONE STUPID. I'm not stupid. I know more than everybody thinks I do. It's just weird. It's like biting your lips to endure the pain, but it's still there. It got worse and the cut got deeper.

I don't know. Maybe I just want someone to say :
"Even though you stay quiet, I can tell you're crying. And I'm sorry."

Today I Lay on a Stack of Hay.

First and foremost, I think I need to warn you about the randomness of this post. It might be severe. My mind is all over the place right now but I've made a vow to myself that whenever I feel the urge to write, I'll write. So don't say you haven't been warned.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Okay, update on the Murakami project. Loving it. So far, at least. I love how he writes and makes the monotony of everyday life feels so... upbeat. I think I've chosen the right title for my first Murakami novel : Dance Dance Dance. My kind of pleasure. Literature and the illusion of music. Hmm.

I've been enjoying my life a little bit more. Though there's a few hick-up know and again, most of them are concerning my love life. But well, I should be able to cope.
Hmmmm. I love fresh couples. I love young loves. Young, not in the context of age, but rather in the novelty of it. I love seeing people blush when they meet someone they have a crush on. How they couldn't stop talking about it even though I've explicitly told them to (no, it's not you, R. i love hearing your stories. They're magical). Sometimes I feel envious. This is how I recognize my longtime disease : Needingnewsparkizoma.

Random, random, random.
Let's see, what did I do today? 'Been sleepy all morning. I felt angry most of the day, I don't know why (or actually I know why but maybe I was exaggerating). 'Buka Puasa' with my Baboon and my family. Yes, I don't exactly like the term "break-fasting" it's like.. morning time meal. Ha. Doesn't suit me very well. That's about it. Starting to feel like my life's a big joke, but I got over it. I'm writing, aren't I? That's my purpose in life. To write.

I love reading Murakami in between classes and while waiting for the bus. Gives me solitude.
I hate traffic in Jakarta these days. Makes me wanna eat myself alive from toe to head (toe first because if I eat my head first I don't get to eat my feet).

That's all about today.
Tomorrow I'm gonna be missing Le Babouin.

'Till later.

On Being Forced Out of Love and Appreciating Everything Before They're Lost.

It's the second day I've been trying to read one of Murakami's classics. Hmm. No, I wouldn't say the book is hard to digest, but I merely need more time to read it. Like, really some alone time. I think it's gonna turn out great.
I realized a strange thing back when I was strolling through the book store with my family : I've always wanted to read Jeffrey Eugenides' "Middlesex". That title always comes up at the top of my mind whenever I was planning to go to the bookstore, but somehow, it always ended up in the bottom of the stack of my reading choices and eventually I bought something else instead. Hm. I never knew why.

Alright. I guess I know what the topic of the day would be : LOVE. Corny, tacky and abstract, love. After reading one of my friends' post about how wonderful it is to be in love, and in retrospect read my post about how it is to be forced out of love, I gained some interesting insights.

Being in love,.. isn't necessarily blinding as people said it would. Yeah, all we see are flowers and rainbows and goofy stuff. Hear this, if we all were born a saint--a purist--then people are all essentially good, right? I think being in love, is actually the ultimate eye-opening phenomena that's ever happen to us. For a moment, a week, a year, or in some cases a lifetime, we see the best of someone and in effect (normally, that is), we try to bring out the best of ourselves. And I think that's a good thing. Living for 20 years listening to news about murder, theft, riots, unsafe neighbourhoods, I think I was forced to understand that people can be bad. People are bad. It's exhausting. Like, you have to look over your shoulders every 2 minutes, you have to maneuver your moves into society so you can decide who you can trust and who you can't. It's like a never-ending effort that never quite works anyway. Our spouses still cheat on us, our parents lie, our friends talk about us behind our back, I mean what's the point?

Being in love, I think is a gift. Because for that period of time, you can become the most positive person you can be. The only misery might be your struggle to be the best. That struggle, that fight, worth more than you can think.

Being in love is a process. Not a destination.
If only.. we can learn to fall in love with each other just a little bit more, don't you think the world would be just a little bit better?

On Being Forced Out of Love and Not Being Able to Do Anything.

Do you know the feeling when you're really devastated you can't even cry anymore? All you can do is to keep breathing, and feel every fragment of yourself vanishes as you let that last breath go. It's like giving up, but by force. It's like losing you beliefs for yourself and everything around you. Like you finally realized, the happy ending you wanted isn't for you.

As you breathe, and you breathe, and you breathe for so long it's like you're going numb. Except for that tiny tingling hint of pain you feel in every joint in your body that keeps you longing for a painkiller. That keeps the urge of crying without a single drop of tear exists.

It's like losing your options when you're ready to choose.
Like loving someone, and lose.


... and in the end, you alone are going to feel what you feel. Until your body crumbles, as you watch your soul.. walk away.

Filosofi Gula

kok kosong rasanya kata-kata itu
seperti icing sebuah cupcake yang meskipun di sayang-sayang nantinya akan habis juga.
lalu harus dimakan atau nggak sih?
icing itu kan cuma kumpulan gula, dengan bentuk dan warna
tapi memang hanya gula.
pemanis.
seperti gulali di Fatahillah
dimasukkan mulut, dirasakan manisnya, tapi cepat sekali hilangnya.
lalu coklat
coklat susu. hmmmm. ups. ternyata coklat itu pahit kan?

jadi sebenarnya buat apa?
kalau pemanis itu cuma tipuan yang berlangsung sebentar?
hanya seperti gula kah?
yang menurut lidahku juga bukan makanan yang friendly.
atau seperti seporsi makan siang 4 sehat 5 sempurna?
sehat, enak, beragam, dan melengkapi satu sama lain.



PS : ya, gue lagi puasa. jadi begini.

sweet cakes and milkshakes.

it's monday morning and i'll be missing you a whole week. say hi, dear, to my new blog. :)

O Creativity, Where Art Thou?

It's 20.29 in my Mac's clock, I've just come home from a movie and dinner with my loved ones. The house is really quiet. Most of my family have gone to the mosque, I guess. Hm. I think I've never been this alone in my house. It's nice, sometimes. I don't hear noises from my brother's computer, or the sound of tv blaring from the living room below. It's like I'm in a quiet corner of my mind, absorbing the solitude.
Hmmm. I miss writing. It's been a while since I wrote anything but complaints. I want to write something decent, something joyous--if not rich, something.. alive. Maybe I should start a journal. Yes, a diary, a new one. And maybe vow to myself that I won't turn it into another garbage disposal. Like this blog, for instance. It started as a media for me to write anything I wanted. Now all you can find here is just complaints. Endless rant of how miserable my life is, while it actually isn't.
I want to be.. creative, again. I want to open my mind to the sound of the wind; the gentle night breeze and not complain about the heat. Like a scene in The Matrix where Neo learned to jump over buildings. I want to jump over rivers, oceans. I want to do the impossible.
I want my mind to be free.

Fact.

Have you ever noticed that when you're crying alone, your body feels colder and after you're finished, you have this big urge to pee? Everytime. I don't know why.

Wishful Thinking

sometimes I wish I had a big brother so I can lean on him whenever I'm sad.
sometimes I wish I had a little sister with whom I can make dolls with.
sometimes I wish I had better skill as an artist.
sometimes I wish I could sing.

other times I wish I was taller.
other times I wish I had tidier bedroom.
other times I wish I wasn't me.
other times.. I wish I wasn't as lonely as I feel.

but sometimes, I just wish to be myself, free of expectations, living life the way I wanted.
sometimes I wish, I could be ugly and people still love me.




hhhhh...
sometimes I wish I wasn't this selfish--or whiny.

Pandora's Box

Oh, heck. I've been holding in the urge to complain for quite some time and face it, I'm not perfect. My life isn't.
You know, I do really feel like I'm Alice. Lost in a world she doesn't understand, bitching and complaining, and sounding like a snob, bossing around every weird creature she comes across. Like Crazy Mad-Hatter who thinks everyday's worth celebrating for the vague reason that it's NOT his birthday. Maybe I should do that. Celebrate the days I feel unloved.
Oh, how I reach this crazy state of discomfort--yet again? I just wanna eat my body alive, you know. Yeah, and watching "His Just NOT That Into You" is clearly not helping at all. Now I just wish I have an Alex around so I can ask him things I should know about a man. So unrealistic, for I know every man is as good as jerks like he said, and he's just gonna be one of them anyway.
I've never been this harsh in my posts before,... or have I? Ah, what do you care? You're just a server, you can't talk back. Anybody who reads this probably just has nothing better to do and they're not gonna talk back either.
Well, what do you know? I guess this is my way of celebrating my crappy day. Which is pretty much 364 days in a year. Not to exaggerate. This is just how low I feel.

Dum Dum Dum

Browsing through my older posts, I came to realize that they have become so much more selfish. Everything in them is all about me, a series of endless and bottomless complaints. In effect, I became more selfish. I hate this part of my life. The part where everything seems to be wrong, and what I do always end up hurting someone.
This is not me. I was vibrant, carefree, sweet in my own way (as people around me would say). I march to no one else's drums, and I loved it. What have I done to get to this point? Another mistake? The same one, perhaps?
I used to be selfless. I know it. But lately all I think about is me and how I don't get enough of what I want. Is this supposed to be like this? Because if it is, I wanna go. No, not run. Just maybe take a step back in intention of taking 2 steps forward.
Like this sweet little dance we do. Don't you think we should change the music now?

Anything I'm Not

I will never be, I will never be tall, no..
and I will never be, never ever be sure of it all
oh why's the world so cruel to me?
when all, all I ever wanna be was anything I'm not

give me a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
anything I'm not.

I will never be, I will never be you, no
I will always be, I will always be me, that I know
but oh, even though I'm happy being me
I want to get away from all this harsh reality

give me a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
anything I'm not

--Lenka

PS : it almost feels like she was feeling the exact same way I am. Then again, this is just a song.

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

How happy is blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted and each wish resign'd.
--Alexander Pope

Hatred

It's like an itch all over my body and I don't know where to scratch. Like a failed spell, all I've burned was my own energy.

Really exhausting and unfair.

Summer Movie Review Pt. IV (updated)

Garuda di Dadaku

Rapi. Meskipun masih ada dialog-dialog, atau kegiatan-kegiatan yang kelihatan nggak mungkin dilakukan sama orang-orang Indonesia jaman sekarang. But it's good. Gue rasa Indonesia lebih butuh film-film kayak gini daripada film remaja seksi-seksian atau film horor. Nggak perlu lah terlalu ambisius nyoba-nyoba bikin film dengan spesial efek yang luar biasa (yang ujung-ujungnya juga yaaa, kacang). Tumbuhin dulu nasionalisme-nya, kapitalisme belakangan.

For a movie, 3.5 out of 5.
For an Indonesian movie, 5.

PS. Haha. Ada Tegar sama Tinton dan beberapa anak FISIP lainnya gue liat dalam film ini. Cukup menghibur.

Summer Movie Review Pt. III

Transformers 2 : Revenge of The Fallen

Nice. Why not? Still has the great action, the outstanding special effect, and probably a good storyline. Despite what some people say, I don't really think it's disappointing. Well, maybe because I didn't really expect a lot when I got into the theater. Hmm.. But I think The Decepticons talked too much in this movie. You know, they should be dark, somewhat mysterious, yet now they talk like ordinary human-villains that are stupid.

During the final battle, my bf said something. "Loh ini Transformers atau Power Rangers?". Touche. I think that's the punchline of tonight's summer movie. Apart from that, I must say : woohoo!!

Definitely worth seeing.
4 stars out of 5

Oh. Sigh.

Oh, God. What is it about girls and sappy love stories?? Giving a girl a DVD or a book about romance is like opening Pandora's Box. They get touchy, whiny, needy and clingy right after they'd consumed it. The stories are good, too good for them to handle. Believe me, it's a big trouble for boyfriends and husbands out there. They will always want a better you, they want you to understand their need, they want you to be the knight in shining whatever who always comes at the right time at the right place, wherever or whenever that is.
You know, these stories are the secret wishes and dreams of the author, the ones that never really came true. So they put it in writing, or screenplay, and show to other girls so that they share the author's desperate dreams and wishes.
It sucks.
It sucks being one of those girls.
Because, hey, it's reality! We don't live in a good novel or a great movie. We face everyday life, where nothing ever come that close to perfection. Where there are always something missing, something leaving.
Oh, God, I'm so depressed it's freaky.
It sucks, it really does.

Like Alice

syllables after syllables
letters after letters
she typed and she typed
like a myriad of broken hearts, the words bled out.

Like Alice, she stepped into the unknown
a familiar ache with a new face

Like Alice, with the fluctuating body size
she, with the waves of emotion she bears everyday.

The sense of foolishness.
The tingle of desperation
A reach that never seems to reach.

An effort, flushed down the drain.

She misses the way it was
The occasional boredom, the need to be needed
to be wanted,
to be happy with no hint of confusion

Like Alice, she wants to go home.

Welcome to My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down
do you ever feel out of place
like somehow you just don't belong
and no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio turned up so loud
that no one hears you screaming?

No you don't know what it's like
when nothing feels alright
you don't know what it's like to be like me

to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down
to feel like you've been pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you
no you don't know what it's like
welcome to my life

do you wanna be somebody else?
are you sick of feeling so left out?
are you desperate to find something more
before your life is over?

are you stuck inside a world you hate?
are you sick of everyone around?
with the big fake smiles and stupid lies
while deep inside you're bleeding?

no one ever lied straight to your face
and no one ever stabbed you in the back
you might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
everybody always gave you what you wanted
you never had to work it was always there
you don't know what it's like,
what it's like

--Simple Plan

PS : a pretty selfish song, not to mention a mainstream cliche. but pretty close to reality right now.

Sitcom?

I feel like my life is just one crappy episode after another.

B***h

STOP OVERSTEPPING MY JURISDICTION, B!

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold up, hold on.. Don't be scared.
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile shine on
Don't be scared.
Your destiny will keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars were fading away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Just take what you need, and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out.

--Oasis

PS : I have a never-ending love for this song. It always appears in the best films, and always brings out my emotions everytime I hear it. I think it's a self-supporting song for me.

Marry Plopper

I think everybody at least once in their lives have dreamed of becoming a writer. I actually walked the dream. But it turned out, the dream doesn't agree with me. Apart from the fact that I might actually be a crappy writer, I don't have what it takes to be a real journalist. I dreamed of becoming a National Geographic reporter once, and I'm watching my dream dying from day to day. It's pretty sad. How I've planned my whole life for this ambition. Stepping on the exact stones I should step on. Yet somehow, I don't feel it. Writing is merely a passion for me. Not a hint of a profession. It's something that comes out of me. Not something I receive from an observation.
So here I am, or here we are, blogging, pretending that everybody gives a shit on what we write. While you know, even this post would just go unnoticed.

Should I invent a Marry Plopper to be equivalent to J.K. Rowling?

I miss the day I was so alive.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.
-Leo Tolstoy in "Family Happiness"

Panggilan

Sekarang lagi jaman banget ya panggilan "sist" dan "gan" (I don't exactly understand what does "gan" mean. "Ganteng" ?) ? Entah kenapa kok gue merasa sangat terganggu ya dengan panggilan-panggilan itu? Hmm. I think we were doing just fine before someone invented them.

Another Garbage Related Post

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to offer, but no one would take any of it. It's such a waste.

Human = A Thinking Animal

You know, sometimes I do find that men are very much akin to animals. Men, in general, I mean--both male and female. We have this tendency of marking our territory. No, not by urinating on them, sure we have our own ways. But a territory is a territory, and we try very hard to keep people from invading it. And like the jungle, there are also those who keep trying to overrule you. Hmm. Interesting.

Sampah Masyarakat

Di sebelah rumah gue, tinggal sebuah keluarga yang menurut nyokap gue udah sakit jiwa. Mobilnya banyak, punya supir, tapi peliiiittt banget. Bahkan untuk bayar tukang sampah aja nggak mau. Ini yang mengganggu. Instead of bayar tukang sampah untuk ngangkut sampah di rumahnya, mereka memilih untuk menimbun dan ketika udah banyak lalu dibakar. Gila apa? Bayar tukang sampah berapa sih emangnya? Dibanding bayar pembantu-pembantunya yang brengsek-brengsek itu?
Coba deh, lo hidup dalam komplek pemukiman, bukan di pinggir jalan. Face it, you have neighbours. Sangat nggak sopan dan nggak peka menurut gue, kalo lo tiba-tiba ngebakar sampah yang bejibun itu tanpa memperhitungkan asap yang ke mana-mana. Masalahnya tiap kali bakar sampah tuh asap masuknya ke rumah gue. And it's really disturbing. Udah baunya nggak enak, and who the hell know what were they burning? It could be toxic waste for all I care!
Maksud gue, apa sih susahnya bayar tukang sampah? Duitnya kan banyak. Lagian itu kan nggak cuma menguntungkan warga sekitar, tapi juga bagi-bagi rejeki sama si tukang-tukang sampah itu. Sama pemulung. Lagipula kalau udah di tangan mereka kan sampah-sampah itu bisa didaur ulang juga. Segitu nggak peka lingkungannya ya mereka? Orang-orang kayak gini nih yang bakal bikin bumi makin cepet matinya.
Oh iya. Dan mereka itu BEBAL! One night, mereka bakar sampah (bayangkan! malem-malem asap masuk ke kamar gue banyak bgt!) dan diomelin abis-abisan sama nyokap gue. I didn't get to hear what the pembantus said but they must have said something nasty because my mom got really angry she called them names. Harusnya kapok dong ya? Nope. They did it again just now. Dan tebak apa yang dilakukan the pembantus ketika nyokap gue ngomel lagi? They just ignored her and went into the house.
Amat sangat nggak sopan. Gila apa tuh satu rumah begitu semua orangnya? I think it's contagious. Gue bingung harus gimana menghadapi orang-orang kayak gitu. Nggak bisa didiemin juga, because they live next door, and we gotta deal with them everyday.

Semoga teman-teman gue nggak kayak gitu ya? Ayolah, peka sama tetangga, meskipun nggak kenal. Nggak ada ruginya kan? You don't know, you might need them someday. :)

Hell and Bliss

To explain the madness of you
to complain of the sadness involved with knowing you
to forget the revolting thought of going through
the regret and the healing that I'd have to do

Through my eyes the sky is pretty and
you promise you'll join in the flight
but I can't deny the gritty thought
that you can't take the height

You can look at this as one big fall
life won't be both hell or bliss or it can be nothing at all
so I just ask you now to choose,
don't you think it's worth it--even if you lose?

How do I begin to speak
when actions measure true feelings
though your words do leave me weak,
your movements always leave me kneeling

The true test of time is distance
but I am not willing to see
I won't damage with nonsense
what actions show is meant to be

Through my eyes the sky is pretty and
you promise you'll join in the flight
but I can't deny the gritty thought
that you can't take the height

You can look at this as one big fall
life won't be both hell or bliss or it can be nothing at all
so I just ask you now to choose,
don't you think it's worth it,
even if you could still lose?

-Majandra Delfino

PS : this song also brings back memory of Roswell. oh, I love that series.

Happy?

I want to be truly happy. For once.

Idiocy

I think I haven't heard anything smart coming out of my mouth lately. People used to say I'm sharp. I'm not. I'm dull. Blagh.

BLAGGHHH!!!

Sebel abis. Kesel. Huarrggghhh. Merasa ditipu mentah-mentah. Grokk. Ihhh. Arrrgghhh.


I



am



genuinely




bummed.









this semester sucks. enough said. kuda!


iihhhhhh
arrrggggghhhhhhhhh

Networking Websites Can Kill Us All--Or Might Just Have Saved Us.

I just learned a few trivial details about my brother.
I know now that he likes Alesana as well as Jason Mraz.
I know now that his favourite movies are LOTRs, Night at The Museum, Star Wars, and Harry Potter.
I know now that Benny & Mice comics had a slight of an impact on his life.
I get a hint that he might be starting to date.

And I found out about all that through Facebook. How crazy is that???

CSI Miami

There's always something bothering me everytime I watch CSI Miami. The.. chief, leader, or head department or whatever, Horatio something. He has this tendency of approaching the suspects, talks to them with his head down and low voice, looking through the corner of his eyes, and then just leave in the middle of conversation. And it happens all the time. It's really weird. I would be, like, really ticked off if I talk to someone like him.

Dreams on Fire

You are my waking dream
You're all that's real to me
You are the magic in the world I see

You are the prayer I sing
You brought me to my knees
You are the faith that made me believe

Dreams on fire
Higher and higher
Passions burning bright on the pyre
One spark forever yours
Give me all your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher and higher

You are my ocean waves
You are my thought each day
You are the laughter from childhood games

You are the spark of dawn
You are where I belong
You are the ache I feel in every song

Dreams on fire
Higher and higher
Passions burning bright on the pyre
One spark forever yours
Give me all your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher and higher

-A.R. Rahman ft. Suzanne

beautiful, beautiful song.

Life?

At some point, something got me thinking; what do I do when future hits me? I dreamed so much about growing older, graduating from college, getting a job, doing great in it, get married, have children and so on. I even talked about it sometime, planned things. But then I get to the point where I list the things I'm gonna miss. Surprisingly, my house was on the top of the list.

Gosh, I love my house. The way the sun shines on parts of it. The antique furniture I always think of having too many. The way it smells really weird on account of my 5 cats and the air-freshener's scent bumping together.
How I always see my Dad sleeping on the couch downstairs early in the morning because he always wakes up around 5 or 6 but got nothing to do.
How sometimes I heard my housekeepers setting things up at 4.30.
How the house always seems noisier in the afternoon after my brother comes home from school and how he sometimes bother me when I'm alone in my room when actually he just wanted to check up on me, making sure everything's alright. Oh, I'm beginning to like him.

my brother, who, in my opinion, is too involved with his computer

How I know I put everything in my room, how it became my world. There's the scribbles and graffiti on my wall, things people wrote when they were here. There's the new Marvin the Martian helmet my bf just bought me. My books, each of them have stories that are really close to my heart. My artworks, cheap-ish but my mom always holds dear. My HUGE window people always so fascinated about, through which I can see the tower of my neighbourhood's mosque.

my room, and its excessive windows

and of course, I gonna miss my family. I've negotiated with myself if I could possibly still live with them after I'm married, but it's unlikely.
I hate growing old. I wanna just stay exactly like this. I'm scared shitless of moving on, and I can see in my parents eyes, they're scared too. I think I'm scared of losing them as much as they're scared of losing me, and to my misery, I think I may have sped things up for them.

my parents.

It's funny how you can resent your family and still love them with all your heart. I don't resent my family. And I should stop complaining about it.

Worse comes to worst, if I don't move on, everything around me is going to. So there's absolutely no point of staying. It's pretty sad.

Look of The Day

I'm ready to go to bed. My eyes are already tearing up. Argh.

The last one I made today.
Au revoir.

Chickened Out

I know I talk much about crushing certain people's life, calling names, mentioning things I'd like to do to make them miserable. But when I actually had the chance to do it, and kinda did it unintentionally, I feel awful. I don't like it at all. The feeling when you know someone is disturbed by your presence, ugh.
You know I wish certain people feel like I do, so they stop doing things that could hurt other people. Sometimes I'd just really like to know what's in their mind when they do everything. Hm.
So to those whom I bothered tonight, I'm sorry. I hope somehow I could find a way to say it and you can actually hear me.


and I silently hope you feel as sorry as I am.

Groan.

Something really nagged me. Eugh. I hate the way some people talk. You know, it's when you try nicely to create a conversation then they just respond to you with a word. No, the shortened version of a word. Not even a complete one. Eugh. I hate it. Did I say that I hate it? Yes, I hate it. Eugh.

Tuesday at Home

12.14
Looklet-ing all morning. Haven't eat yet, starving but unmotivated. It's gonna be a loooong day. I haven't even got out of bed. Too lazy? Or too bummed?

something I made last night

12.19
Crap. I think I'm just gonna take a shower and watch some DVDs.

12.27
Hesitated to take a shower due to a text in my inbox. Hoaaa. I feel like I could easily plant my head in a sewer. Where's my Patronus spell when I need it?

12.31
Ran into one of my friends' blogs. I saw he replied my comment on his post. It was nothing special, really. But somehow I found it soothing. And of course the song playing in his page doesn't suck either. I should take a shower.

12.41
Still haven't got out of bed. HUARRGGGHHH. GERAAHHH. *maki2an*. Feeling stupid. COME ON KALISTA! GET UP! YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE A SAD PUPPY SITTING THERE ALL DAY! DO SOMETHING!

13.14
Ok. I took a shower. What now?

13.29
pret.

13.51
Watched the ending of You've Got Mail in HBO and wept. Definitely have to go to ITC and buy the dvd.

14.04
Turns out I can't. :(

14.34
Flicking through the channels absent-mindedly. Found Murder She Wrote, but then again, absent-mindedly. Genuinely bored. I want to watch You've Got Mail. I already had Seven Pounds in the player but can't seem to play it. I want You've Got Maiiiiiillll.

14.56
I really wish I could drive. And to that effect, I really wish I had my own car.

16.06
Just came back from ITC. Hahahahahaha. Now I can watch You've Got Mail. I also bought Slumdog and The Class. Yay!

18.57
Just came back from watching YGM and Friends. Huff. I think it's time I stop this.

Fashioonnnnnn

So, I found a new "toy". It's called www.looklet.com. It's where you can play barbie with over-the-edge fashion taste and great models. Enough said, I'm addicted. So far, this is my all time favourite :

A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes

You know the kinda dreams you've woken up upset about?
I hate dreams. They just make you hopeful. And since I believe a dream is an interpretation your subconscious make about things, then I guess I just hate how I make myself hopeful.

Classifications of Friends

it's only two days and I'm already out of things to do. So I do what I can with my MacBook : rambling.

So here goes :
1. Regular friends, whom you always say hello to but never really stay to chat with. Pleasant people, you care about them but not in an intense way.
2. Close friends, people who see you everyday and know just what type of person you are. Are you the outgoing one, or the quiet one, or the cocky one and so on. But you don't really feel you have a connection with them.
3. Strange-bonded friends, those you had history with. You know everything's over between the two of you but you can't help feeling somewhat responsible for one another. You're happy when they're happy, and you're not afraid to let them go just to find that they can always be there when you need them.
4. Best friends, people who know you inside and out. You're not afraid to be the worst of yourself in front of them because somehow you know they won't mind. They appreciate the differences they encounter while being friends with you. They don't ask questions when they know you're not ready to answer. These are the people you really want to please because you're so grateful they're always around.
5. A soul mate, the other side of you, the Yin to your Yang, the person who knows you best. Who reasons when you're emotional, who taught you how to feel when you're thinking logic. Who's mad when you make a mistake and makes mistakes just to make you mad. Who has nothing in common with you, but is connected to your every move. Your bittersweet relationship. The tears in your laugh and the smile in your pain.



Ps : Sometimes it feels like I'm losing everyone on my list and I couldn't feel more alone.

Seven Things

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
but nothing's gonna change until you hear, my dear

the 7 things I hate about you

the 7 things I hate about you
you're vain, your games, you're insecure
you love me, you like her
you make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
your friends, they're jerks
and when you act like them just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
and the 7th thing I hate the most that you do,
you make me love you

and compared to all the great things
that would took too long to write
I probably should mention
the 7 that I like :

the 7 things I like about you
your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
and when we kiss I'm hypnotized
you make laugh, you make me cry
but I guess that's both I'll have to buy
your hand in mine
when we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to be with the one I know

and the 7th thing I like the most that you do :
you make me love you..

--Miley Cyrus

PS : as cheesy as it sounds, it rings true.

I'm Growing A Brain, or rather.. Destroying One.

It's like, "Ya Tuhan, kapan gue bisa tidur dengan tenaaang?!"



PS : si Mac blom bobo juga udah 3 hari, dekil, panas dan lemot. Mungkin hr ini dia bakal gue suruh bobo sebentar. Maafkan aku, putih, aku sedang sangat membutuhkanmu.

Rubik's Cube Philosophy

I never can get why certain people look so hard for the formula of life. Like some kind of equation that can explain or solve problems. The search prevents you from the true purpose you're living : be alive. Make things happen and enjoy every minute of what you have made. Absorb every essence and just feel.

It's like when you're handed a Rubik's cube, what would you rather do; try to figure it out by yourself even though it might take months or look somewhere for the way to do it so you can solve it in a matter of minutes?

Late Night "Epiphany".

I don't wanna be an 'also', I wanna be an 'only'. Why is it so hard for me to say?

Summer Movie Review Pt. II

Night at The Museum 2

I must say I was doubtful before I watched it. I mean right before. Because I caught one of my friends said that it's ... kinda overrated. But well, it was pretty entertaining. The idea of historic people and creatures coming back to life all over again, is breath-taking. It would be a very fun way to learn history, don't you think? I would be honored, for an instant, to meet bobblehead Einsteins and have them explain why I should learn how to count, in tiny noises and.. well, bobbling heads. Ha!
Plus, I got to see Al Capone in black and white. Three cupids that reminded me of The Jonas Brothers. Of course, Amelia Earheart! Exciting!
The film's pretty funny, although the story line might be a little over the top. It was like seeing the comedy version of The Mummy, or a movie titled "The Museum Movie" (as in Scary Movie, or Superhero Movie, and so on), but yeah in a more classy way. The speical effects are not bad. Neat. Ben Stiller's acting still typical Ben Stiller, a little quieter though.
All in all, I can't see why this should be a bad movie. It's light, I don't think anybody should expect too much out of it. I'm kinda curious how it would look in 3D. Must be more exciting.
Hmmm, maybe 3.5 stars out of 5.

PS : I just realized there are a lot of sequels going on this summer. And eugh, no, I don't really wanna see The New Moon. Somehow for me, it's gonna feel like I'm seeing High School Musical 2.

Ewok. Si Gendut Bau Hilang!

Kemarin, kucing gue si Ewok menghilang. Agak panik juga karena terakhir terlihat lagi main di kamar gue. Gue udah nanya semua orang rumah, katanya nggak ada yang ngeliat. Kucing-kucing lain juga udah gue tanya, tapi semua punya alibi. Choco lagi sibuk jilat-jilat pantat di kamar tante gue, Cingki sama Nala bobo di bawah, Chiko bobo di kamar nyokap. Mulai terbayang lah omelan-omelan nyokap gue kalau sampe tu kucing yang buntutnya sepotong sampai hilang beneran. Terbayang kemudian hari-hari penyesalan gue karena gue terlalu sibuk dengan laptop.
Gue inget-inget lagi tadi kayanya Ewok lagi main di jendela sebelum menghilang. Jangan-jangan terjun ke bawah. Gue tengok dari jendela kamar gue, nggak ada tanda-tanda ada kucing terjun. But then again, tanda macam apa yang bisa kelihatan kalo kucingnya udah terjun? Akhirnya gue cari ke luar. Gue panggil-panggil tapi nggak nyaut si Ewok. Setelah gue bersusah payah jongkok-jongkok untuk ngeliat di bawah kolong mobil, muncul dia! Meringkuk deket ban kanan depan dengan meongan kecil, "mauuww" seakan mau bilang "gue di sini goblok!"
Ah kucing gila, berarti bener dia terjun dari jendela kamar gue. Gue aja selama ini mau kabur dari rumah masih mikir-mikir dulu bisa keluar lewat jendela atau nggak, dia lancar amat!
Yang nyebelinnya setelah gue bawa ke dalem, nyokap gue malah nuduh gue yang ngelempar ke luar. Buseng.
"Coba diperiksa kakinya pincang nggak? Kasiaaann jatuhh."
Ewok pasti bangga sekali. Mendengkur dengan keras ketika disayang-sayang nyokap gue tanpa memikirkan gue yang udah merasa sangat bersalah sebelum gue menemukan dia. Sial.

kiri : Ewok si Kucing, Kanan : Ewok yang sebenarnya

beda tipis kan?

Fragments of Fragments of Fragments...

Have you notice how I became less talkative in the last few days?
That my laugh seems to fade by the minute?
That my gaze often seems empty, for I have thousands of things running around my mind barbarically?

It's a habit that always comes when I'm facing something big. Like the final exams (which I'm actually having right now), or when I'm planning a surprise party. When my mind got so caught up, and no, I don't multitask like many people say I do.

Have you notice?
Of course you haven't.
You're high in your own world, walking on a rainbow, floating like a person in love.
Maybe you are.

Is It Wicked Not to Care?

Is it wicked not to care when they say that you're mistaken
Thinking hopes and lots of dreams that aren't there?
Is it wicked not to care when you've wasted many hours
Talking endlessly to anyone that's there?
I know the truth awaits me
But still I hesitate because of fear

Skipping tickets making rhymes
Is that all that you believe in?
Wearing rags to make you pretty by design
Rusting armour for effect
It's not fun to watch the rust grow
For it will all be over when you're dead

Counting acts and clutching thoughts
By the river where the moss grows
Over rocks the water running all the time
Is it wicked when you smile Even though you feel like crying
Even though you could be sick at any time?

But if there was a sequel
Would you love me as an equal?
Would you love me till I'm dead

--Belle & Sebastian

hmm.

tau ahh.

Kereta dan VRRM

Hari ini jalan-jalan naik kereta bersama pacar. Ahh, ya terjebak tugas jurfot yang mengharuskan foto transportasi publik Jakarta. Tapi cukup menyenangkan. Si pacar excited karena baru 2 kali naik kereta. Lucunya. Gue juga sih, tapi udah keseringan ngeliat tiap hari jadi rasanya udah sering naik aja. Hahaha. Naik kereta ekspress tuh oke juga lho ternyata. Nggak sumpek, bau, riweh, basah (?) kayak kalo naik kereta Ekonomi. Kayak naik subway di pelem-pelem. Lumayan laah.

I think occasions like these are what I love about my current relationship. We're not afraid to try something new. Eat someplace we've never been, go somewhere even if we don't know how, ride different transportations. It's so much fun! Instead of just going around in a car, eating at some fancy place at the mall, seeing on-sale items we still can't afford to buy.

Yang kayak gini yang bikin hari-hari gue lebih berwarna, lebih gado-gado rasanya (seperti kacang?).

For this, I'm thanking him : Vicky Rangga Restu Moyo. For the colours you bring to my world. Not all of them are bright, but each completes the others. :)

Summer Movie Review

Angels & Demons

I just saw it.
Hm. Disappointing, actually. I expect Angels & Demons to be somewhat of a better, more magnificent movie than the previous one, The Da Vinci Code--at least an equal, since I know the book is so much better than Da Vinci Code. But no. Yes sure, as a movie it's really good. It can play with our emotions. The visualization of the symbology, the landscapic setting (The Vatican City, Rome and the churches), they're actually quite good. Even though in the end there's a weird twist at the symbology section. The scoring, man, I don't know, I just love it. It's like I finally get to see what I've imagined when I had read the book, and it's good.

BUT.

They erased some of the key characters, which I think ruined the mood of the film.
They ripped off a key event, which I think is one of the most exciting one.
They. Changed. The. Plot.
The main ingredient as to why this story even exist.

Hey, I know adaptation movies are always like this (except LOTR, which I find better than the books). It happened with most of the Harry Potter films--especially the current ones, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 (I think it's waaaay across the line to cram 3 great books into one movie), and of course so many more (I suddenly blanked when I tried to think of big adaptation movies). The Da Vinci Code film, I can tolerate because it's still as exciting as the book and the removal of certain elements are not necessarily disturbing.

Pffthh.
Well, for a movie I give Angels & Demons 4 out of 5.
For an adaptation--and because I'm such a big fan of Dan Brown's novels, 2.

Be happy those who haven't read Angels & Demons.

Here Comes UAS

Setelah hampir 2 minggu gue absen dari dunia pergosipan (baca: Facebook), akhirnya gue kembali. FB canggih ya sekarang? Chatnya udah bisa diatur appear offline to some, trs notificationnya to the point skrg, bukan muncul merah2 di pojokan lg. hihihi. Norak deh gue. Hm. It's not gonna be a long visit, I'm just checking on some things. Lalu gue akan absen lagi karenaaa jengjeeng! UAS akan menyita perhatian gue. Apalagi dengan banyaknya tugas, gue rasa nggak akan selesai kalo gue fesbukan mulu. AYO 3,9! Hahahahaha.

PS : hari ini mau nonton Angels & Demons, setelah kemarin gagal total gara-gara penuh di mana-mana. Imagine me sprinted from Pejaten Village to Citos wearing 7 cm wedge shoes (or was it 9?) just to find out that everything's full booked. Well, I didn't actually sprint, but it's not an exaggeration, it felt like I did.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

--The Beatles (duh!)

Eyes of The Beauty

I watched Oprah today, it's about beauty and how people from different countries and cultures perceive it. The show featured countries like India, Brazil, Indonesia (yay!), Mauritania, Japan, and Iran. It got me thinking about the concept of beauty itself. All these years there are always two sides of arguments about beauty, one who says that beauty is what you can see, touch, smell; the other says beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I'm still deciding what my stance is.
Yeah, I know beauty is beyond looks, beyond fashion. But I'm not gonna deny the fact that I'd like to dress up and put on make up once in a while to look good. I love fashion, don't get me wrong, and I love it edgy.

The thing is, I learned not to perceive beauty only by looking at the exterior of a person, the hard way. Isn't it ironic, the person you don't even know, whom you think you'll never harm, who looks prettier than you--nobler, even, is the person who in the end hurts you the most? You know, the miss goody-two-shoes who's actually hiding a pointy tail and horns?

I think, when you truly wanna be beautiful, you'd have to live up to what you're gonna wear. For example, if you wanna wear something graceful, then be graceful. Otherwise you'll just gonna look desperate. If you want people to see you're a good person then be one. Smile more, do good deeds instead of just fool around with somebody else's boyfriend and claiming you care about them.
I believe, unconsciously, we all understand this. It's those comments I often hear from my friends :
"Ih padahal celananya bagus, sayangnya dia yang pake!"
"Cewek cantik biasanya brengsek."
Ha.
These comments happen for a reason, you know. We're perceiving beauty in a wrong way. I think, before you dress all beautiful and fancy, mend your personality first.

That way, you won't need much else to look.. truly beautiful.

In Repair

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it's taking so long, I could be wrong I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice,
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am. In repair.

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait on the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And bring some brand new lucks upon me

Oh, it's taking so long, I could be wrong I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice,
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am. In repair.

And now I'm walking in the park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again,
it will be good to say you know me...

--John Mayer, In Repair.

Thu, 22.45

Is it my fault when I blurted out what I feel, to you?
I just don't want things to change.
When all the while change is the only way to go.

I'm trying to keep things in track, like you've asked me to.
I've left my emotion at bay, like you've asked me to.
I've been relatively honest when I feel something, like you've asked me to.

It has left me being pretentious.

I Wrote It in Bed With My Eyes Half Closing.

My eyes aching
I whine all the time.
Maybe I'm just worn out.

Have you ever think that?

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you cos I find hard to take.
When people run in circles is a very, very mad world.
--Mad World, Tears for Fears

Bubbly.

So. I skipped a class today.
Here's what I did : made soap bubble. ha!

Hahaa.

I made the bubbles out of soap, and salt. I know, weird. According to http://www.wikihow.com/Make--Bubble-Solution, I should've used sugar instead of salt. Go figure. Hahaha.

Yet another productive afternoon.


Hm. I saw a rainbow this morning. Quite beautiful, I haven't seen rainbows in ages. Hm, that colorful optical illusion forming an arch above us. Pfth. Why does it always seem so faulty to me?

...

Has anyone ever been so gloomy you don't know what to write? Blagh

Moanday.

Hari Senin lagi. Hoekk.
Hmm. Actually, hari Senin ini nggak terlalu menyebalkan kok.

Tadi pagi pas gue jalan ke depan buat nunggu bis, gue melihat sekumpulan anak-anak lagi main ayunan di taman kecil deket rumah gue. Mereka nyanyi-nyanyi kompak banget. Seneng deh ngeliatnya. Eits, tapi tunggu dulu. Kok lagunya familiar ya.. hm. Astaga. Lagunya ST12 yang "kamu-kamu-kamu" (hayahh lupa judulnya apa). Dan mereka pun hapal seperti dulu gue hapal lagu Bintang Kecil dan A Whole New World. Oh, man.

Grok grookk. Nyampe kampus bertemu Resti sedang membahas tugas review skripsi. Yawn. Ternyata kelas Mencari dan Menulis Berita gue menyenangkan sekali. Bang Masmimar Mangiang (dulu gue pernah manggil dia Mas Mimar lalu gue sadar bahwa itu sama aja memanggil nama depannya dengan sangat tak sopan) udah nyiapin sebuah video perjalanan kelas gue. Isinya footage-footage gue dan teman-teman gue lagi sibuk ngerjain the-never-ending-tasks di kelas. Tampangnya ada yang cengo, ada yang sibuk usrek-usrek kepala, ada yang sok-sok nggak sadar diliput kamera, bahkan ada yang kelihatannya lagi mikir tapi ternyata membenamkan kepalanya di tangan. Tidur.
Ahh so sweet. Ternyata si abang merasa punya koneksi sama kita. Hm. Jadi sedih mikirin ini hari terakhir gue diajar dia.

Pas pulang, something unexpected but not surprising happened : ban belakang motor si pacar bocor lagi. Ngookk. Jadilah gue ujan-ujanan nyari tukang tambel ban. Yah, gapapa sih, gue menganut kepercayaan apa pun yang terjadi kalo sama pacar pasti menyenangkan. Yap, even berjalan dari seberang FPsi sampe Pocin di tengah hujan dengan sendal terendam becek dan celana corduroy yang ujungnya terlalu kecil sehingga nggak bisa digulung. Kayaknya gue kualat karena nggak nganterin Resti ke PAU.

Sambil nunggu ban motor dibenerin gue makan di Pocin. Tiba-tiba ada seorang cowok, kira-kira seumuran gue atau mungkin sedikit lebih muda berdiri di sebelah meja gue. Ngejogrog aja gitu. Gue kira dia ngapain di situ, akhirnya dicoba aja dikasih duit sama si pacar ehh mau doi! Aduh ternyata pengemis. Hm. Agak menggelitik sebenernya. Dia masih muda, badannya nggak kenapa-kenapa, tampangnya sehat, kenapa nggak kerja aja sih? Jadi tukang tambal ban kek!

Hmm.
Senin, Senin.
Capek sebenernya gue mikirin hari. Kuliah lagi, tugas lagi. Ah monoton. Pikiran gue dari tadi masih melayang ke anak-anak penggemar ST12 yang nyanyi-nyanyi tadi pagi. Terlalu cepat dewasa sepertinya mereka. Jangan ahh.
Susah jadi orang dewasa.

PS : udah hampir seminggu gue nggak buka Facebook! yay! Dan gue baru aja nyelupin kentang goreng ke air putih (niatnya mau dicocol sambel tapi salah alamat).

Nightly Weekend.

Kemarin... paman datang.
Ehh nggak. Kemarin gue kejebak macet di Halim. Panjaaaaang banget. Gara-gara banjir yang lumayan tinggi, untung kemaren pake Escape ijo nyokap yang gagah berani. Yang menarik sebenarnya adalah pembicaraan gue dan nyokap gue.

Nyokap : "Itu gedung apa sih?"
(kita lagi ada di depan gedung Perumnas, tau kan? Ya di situlah pokoknya. Sebelahnya kan ada gedung juga, nyokap gue nunjuk ke gedung itu).
Gue : (abis baca plang di depannya) "Itu Perguruan Tinggi Teknologi."
Nyokap : "Hah? Emang iya?"
Gue : "Iyaaa itu ada tandanya."
Nyokap : "Yaampun kampusnya jelek amat. Kayak WC umum."

Yah, kalo gue sih agak tertohok aja misalnya kampus gue yang dibilang kayak WC umum (dan agak intrigued kalo ngeliat ada WC umum segede kampus. Kebayang baunya).


Satu hal yang gue benci : fogging.
They fogged my house this morning and it was all... well, foggy. I hate the eerie smell. It smelt.. poisonous. ("Lagi mabok ya? Kamu nyamuk dong!", kata si pacar). Weekend ini memang lucu dan cukup jauh dari harapan. Ahh, well. Like I said, one can't have too many.

Tapii... gue kemaren mampir ke Times Bookstore yang ada di Kemang Village dan berhasil menemukan (jengjeeeeng)...

The Night World vol.2 by L.J Smith
(yang udah gue cari-cari sejak jaman SMP)

Wahahaa. I'm HAPPY. I've been looking all over town for this series. Every imported-book store! And there was only ONE in here! HOAAA!
This volume contains three titles : Dark Angel, The Chosen and Soulmate. I've read two of them, actually (The Chosen and Soulmate). But I love "Soulmate" so much I don't mind buying it in a bundle. Twilight? Lewat! Hahaha.

Somehow, I never seem to like Twilight series. They're too... commercialized. Ha. I think the movie is even worse. It actually ruins the illusion of the night world. Pfftth. I guess I don't have that connection with Stephanie Meyer. I love L.J Smith and Anne Rice too much.

Have you ever wonder why the best of vampire novels are written by women?

The Witch's Song.

It's the sensation of being left out. Not by anyone, but by that place where I truly belong. It's excruciating. Knowing that this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I don't ask to be something more, I ask to be something different. Something... otherworldly.

I want to live in the dark, if that what suits me.
I'd cast spells or grow fangs if I have to.
I want to wish I were special, and be shown that I really am.
Otherwise I think I'm done being hopeful.

All the disappointments I can't bear.
All the thoughts that I'm just ordinary.

Doesn't it kill, when you know you're just stuck here?
That you're doing the things they say you should do when you know it's not what you're supposed to?

All the witches, the vampires and night creatures.
All the intensity, the adventure and the sensation.
Sometimes I wish I live in this world people created, to realize that they're actually real.

I don't ask to be something more.
I ask to be someone different.

HOAAAAAAAA!!

Weekend is here! Hoaa! Yeaaah!

Oh God, I think it has been a very long week! And it may be longer yet next week! I'm just so glad it's Friday again so tomorrow I can oversleep as long as I want. TGI Friday.

Tugas masih menumpuk. One after another. Crap. Tapi gue mau bersyukur aja untuk minggu ini. Paling nggak, gue dapet beberapa GREAT news. No, I'm not gonna tell you what they are. I don't wanna jinx it.
Alhamdulillah.

It has been a roller coaster ride. More intense than ever. I feel like I'm exhausted, inside and out. Maybe it's the reason I haven't get a good sleep in two weeks (!). Hoaaaa! Mau teriak-teriak rasanya. Haha. I'm too happy, I don't care if I'm writing this post in two languages. Bodo amat! Gue bahagia!

Ternyata nggak susah kok bikin gue bahagia. It just takes a fulfilling week, a long chat with old time best friend, and my precious, precious bed and I'm content. Besok mau ke Benhil, liat-liat kamera (and hopefully purchase one). Abis itu macaaarrrrrr. Ahh kangen kamu pacar!

Ayo ayo UAS. Cepatlah kau datang dan pergi.
Percaya nggak, bahkan suatu hari karena begitu senangnya gue membayangkan liburan nanti gue sampai berteriak "Halellujah!" grok. Nggak, gue nggak murtad. Itu keceplosan. Sumpah. Besok shalat deh (I'm still having my period right now).

Hmm.
Yeah, I think it's true, that you shouldn't look too far for happiness. Sure you can get gay-ly happy when something big comes to your life. When you're at your wedding, or you get a promotion, or when you're sitting in a beach all by yourself just watching the sun sets.
But also, you can get content just by :
Reading a text message in your cellphone from your spouse claiming that he/she loves you.
Finding that 5000 Rupiahs in your pocket you didn't know you had.
Being able to mingle with your family after a very busy week.
Waking up so early in the morning just to realize that you still have an hour or two to sleep.
And so much more. Those little things that make you realize you're alive. The things that make you feel you belong somewhere, or with someone. Those little things that, for even a second or two, make you smile.

I'm happy.

"Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Lair - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for." -- Bailey, in Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants.

Accidental Babies

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies
For we are in love

Do you come
Together ever with him?
Is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?

What about me?

Tidur

Tidur itu menyenangkan.
Tidur itu buta,
Tidur itu mati rasa.

Bukan perwujudan malas.
Seperti esensinya,
Tidur itu istirahat.
Istirahat dari semua,
mematikan seluruh sistem logika dan menghapus segenap isi hati.

Untuk sesaat, aku tidak merasa.
Untuk sesaat, mimpiku jadi nyata.
Untuk sesaat, aku adalah aku.

Dan aku tak butuh bunga-bungamu
Aku tak butuh kau bawa pergi ke negeri orang

Aku hanya butuh tidur.


*antara sebuah metafora, atau justifikasi kegemaran tidur gue.

Musical Muse

So.
Haha.

It's been years since I played a piano. Let's see... probably the last time I played it when I was in 4th grade. Hahahahaha. Today, with the help of my lovely musical muse (my bf) and a tutorial video from YouTube, I learned how to play "Accidental Babies" by Damien Rice. What a productive afternoon, I must say.
Here is a part of what I have learned :

Accidental Babies cover.amr - moi!

What a mess, huh? Hmm. My dad's a musician, he has an entire studio filled with music instruments. Guitars, drums, keyboards, couple of mixers, lots of amplifiers, and stuff I don't understand about. I should be a musician too, you know.
I wish I were.