Saturday, January 22, 2011
The first thing I did when I logged in, was to check on everybody. How are they doing? Are they still writing? What’s new? Then I realized, everybody’s…moving on. I came across posts and posts about everybody’s life. Where have I been? Have I been working? Nope. Most of my closest friends know I’ve been meaning to, well, linger here for a while until I feel I’m ready to devour paperworks and desk-duties as a corporate slave.
Have I been happy?
Now there’s a loaded question. Have I? I’ve been... trying to be, I guess. I do laugh on a daily basis. I cry less than I did last year. For instance, I haven’t whimpered as much in this account for… I don’t know, six months?
But do they count as the indicators of being happy?
Let’s count the factorials here :
During the past months, in which I have been abandoning my virtual life in a blog, I’ve discovered new loves. A love for my oldest and newest friends. For once in a gazillion years, I feel wanted again. I feel like I was exactly where I should be. I should be happy for that. And I am.
I have accomplished so much : academically, socially, creatively, and in so many other ways I could possibly imagine. I’ve managed to graduate with a 3.35 GPA. I’ve done more creative works in the past six months than I did in the total of 21 years I’ve lived and breathed art. I finally know what my future’s going to look like. I should be happy for that. And I am.
I’m finally heading somewhere in my relationship. I’ve learned to set some boundaries for myself, define who I am and be accounted for it, I’m an independent woman in a very dependent relationship. That oughta count for something. And it does.
But something is still missing. I’m still left hanging in the middle of the night, mind wandering everywhere, reminiscing the past. What am I still searching for? Because the knight in shining whatever is either here already, or he’s never going to come at all. The fairy tale I keep telling myself to help me get by is still a fairy tale. So here’s what I think I’ve been doing for the past months : I’ve been selfish.
Because this blog, is all about me. In disregard of everybody else’s feelings and concerns, I have made this blog the best and worst part of me, and it can’t be both at the same time. So I hereby, cutting a mole in my life. This blog account has managed to accompany me through time travels, emotional roller-coasters, and everything else in between.
Yes, I was happy. But I was never content. I’ve learned to be selfish, now I need to learn to be otherwise.
So good bye.
Who knows maybe one day I’ll be worthy of your time.
PS. Thank you for the time travels, Alana. Scents of him will forever loiter in the back of my mind.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
Al sticked up her earphones. In the mere knowledge of how this day was just another bad day like she had predicted, she scoffed, picked another song by Paramore and walked. Like always. Rewinding the tape in her head, she played that day’s scenario all over again.
She woke up.
Got a shower.
Put on some cutting-edge outfit to impress her classmates.
And walked. and walked.
And played the same old role, the same old smile, the same old pretenses. The day went by, same old Al. She scoffed again, kicked some gravels as she strolled down the narrow path to her house and tried to let it go.
She almost couldn’t hear it.
Al stopped short. She removed one of her earphones and looked around. “Hello?” she stretched her ears, trying to listen. Usually, she never had been so bold. Her iPod was almost like her sanctuary, immersing her thoughts in rhymes and loud guitar sounds. Somehow, today was different.
“Hello? Anybody here?”
Al almost jumped backwards when she saw him—or it. A tall figure. A very colorful tall figure, was standing in front of her, grinning. It had hair like a very strange rainbow-flavored cotton candy. Its teeth were white, with a hint of pink gloss all over it. It was wearing a suit, a green jacket and yellow trousers. Its big red shoes looked like it belongs to Ronald McDonald. Its posture was… masculine, with a touch of vanity. Maybe it was fair to say that IT was a man. A slender man, bold in appearance but gentle in his gaze. He was standing with his hands behind his back, as if he was holding confettis and was ready to throw them at Al.
She was uncertain as to how to respond. She just stared.
“Aren’t you going to greet me back?” asked the man.
“I only greet whom I know.” Al answered. Her eyes fixed on his dark blue iris. The darkest color she could find in him.
“Well, what’s your name?” he asked calmly, in a cheery voice, almost like a voice of a seventeen-year-old boy who has just reached puberty. But Al was sure she could detect depth in his tone.
“Alana.” She said. “Who are you?”
“Well,” he started circling her. “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”
Al scowled. “Did you just quote The Beatles to me?”
“I don’t know, did I?” he stopped moving, leaning his face against hers.
“Okay,” Al pulled back, started to walk away. She plugged her earphone back to her left ear and cranked up the volume. She didn’t have time to indulge a mad man.
But then again, there was something intriguing about him. Something… more. And as she hasten her steps, she could hear a distant voice in her head.
“We’ll be seeing each other.” A deep, heavy voice.
Al looked back for the last time, to find that the man was gone.