an ordinary morning. TOO ordinary.

7.50am

it's been a few days since my last post.
a very cold morning, a lonely one, gets me thinking about a lot of stuff, things i'm not supposed to think about.

do you think i'm wrecked? negative? unable to do anything useful, or meaningful to you? well, the truth is, i'm not a saint. i don't say this to justify the way i am, i know i don't have as high values for my education and my social life as i should. easy to say i'm doomed. i don't know how i get up, for now i'll just think this would all be different by the end of the year.

hell, why does anyone has to be a certain way at the same time? i could be the most negative person you've ever met on one day, and the greatest optimist on the other. i don't understand why people expect so much out of me, out of themselves? to motivate us to do great things? i'm not saying that i don't need it, i'm just saying that particularly today, i'm sick.

i'm sick of disappointing people.
i'm sick of wanting to do something more when it seems like i can't.
i'm sick of trying to live up to everybody's expectations and end up feeling like a piece of garbage when i failed.

so maybe i'll just take this opportunity to sit back for a while.
afterall, i just wanna live my life the best i could, and be granted for it.


ps. i feel like i don't have the power to lift you up, like certain people do. it's a bit sad.



imagine:
.................
my imagination's shut down

I Have The Coolest Grandma Ever!

imagine :
a 90-ish year old grandma who can chat online using YM.

THAT'S MY GRANDMAAA! hohohoho


I am very proud to have a grandma like her. :P
She was chatting with my cousin who lives in UK and i can see that she was really excited to do so. her eyes got a little bit bigger every time something weird like emoticons or nudges came along. at first, my cousin didn't notice how slow she was typing so the conversation kinda got a little misleading. But then she understood, and we were back on track. it was a rather short conversation, but i can tell my grandma was very happy just to gain contact with my cousin. :) i'm happy to help her. we should do it again, eyang! love you!

morning, morning, morning

hmm.
good morning.

I'm friggin' bored with my college life.
aaaaaaaaaaaa



i called you this morning, just to say hi and informed that i have no accounts left on my cellphones.
i miss u already.
somewhere down the line, i'm gonna sound corny and needy over u, but i can't help it.


imagine :
i have no classes for a week next week. yeayy!!

I'm NOT my mistakes.

I know i've done a lot of bad things to people and to me.
I've hurt hearts.
I've done what I thought was right for me, regardless of anyone else's feelings.

but I'm NOT my mistakes.
I deserve to have a second chance, hell, I'm determined to have it.
And if I have to cry a thousand river, shed gallons of blood or rip my heart apart, then I'll go through with it.



Because my second chance came like a blessing in the form of a young man that feels like my other half. He's not just a boyfriend, he's a part of me.
He thinks he has hurt me several times, but the truth is he only made my heart a little bit stronger each day.
I don't need him to trust me, because I know I can trust myself.
I'm not afraid to love him excessively because i believe he deserves every love that i have to give. And if he fears that i might do stupid things, then i'll say he's blind.

Loving isn't giving everything you have, but giving what's best in you.
So in order to do that, I have to be the best of myself.

I'm not a fool.
I don't waste second chances.
Especially not you.
Sometimes I hope there's a bigger word than LOVE because love just doesn't describe how i feel.


PS. Guess What.

midtest = vacation?

yep.
why not?
it goes for a week. four days to be exact. four days to focus on! four days i can rest my head and just think about one thing : study. yeah, i know. i might sound like a brainiac. i'm not, really. don't think that i'm even that smart anyway. i just think that for once in weeks, i get to relax and do things i already knew how to do over and over.

something i just realized, though. studying? NOT THAT HARD.
few subjects are a pain in the ass, sure, but why be scared of it?
the activity of studying (for tests, that is, not for life) only contains :
1. getting the will, the books, the pens and urself together
2. read, read, read, read, read
3. recall. do it by writing everything u've read on paper, or simply recite it.
4. get a good night sleep.
that's it. that's how i do it, and it always works. those times that i failed, mostly because i've failed step 1. but to be fair, step 1 is usually the hardest.

tonight, i've failed.
proof : i'm rambling on a blog instead of studying for midtest.
defense : this is a vacation. it's supposed to be loose. hell, enjoy it.



imagine :
i'm on a REAL vacation.
with him.
in Jogja. :)

friggin' sucks

I'm having a VERY BAD DAY.
enough said.





imagine :
I'm away for a year--or maybe two--to Ireland. I watch the blue skies everyday, i don't have college and all i do is farm chores. my friends are horses and sexy Irish musicians.

Anthro Evening in Effect

blackout.
how often does it happen?
how COULD it happen during the full moon when night time is the hottest?
as if trying to get me for mocking anthropology this morning, tonight i'm forced to experience the tribal way of living. no electricity, no light, only the sound of my dad's guitar playing in the background of my family talking to each other.
maybe this is what we need sometimes, to remember where we came from, what used to be the definition of 'bonding', the primitive way of communication. not chatting through texts or screens, but face-to-face.
hmm.


imagine :
Jakarta wasn't as humid and hot like today.

anthro morning

imagine :

pagi2 bengek g brenti2 gmw msk kuliah pertama ntr siang ada tes kcil antrop dan blom blajar sm skali bahkan bahanny smpe mana pun gtw. sudah dibayangkan? yakk selamat anda sedang merasakan simulasi menjadi mahasiswi ga becus.

huadooohh prasaan kmrn gw pny janji abis lebaran mw jd mahasiswa yg lebih baik. tp kok knyataanny malah jd lebih terpuruk y? ckckck. well, i'm mending.
ya Allah ini knp batuk g slse2 sih urusannya? lama2 tenggorokan gw bolong! OHOOKK OHOKK OHOOKK!!!

blaagghh

ngomong2 soal antropologi, knp matakuliah ini jd matakuliah yg paling g menarik bwt gw? bayangkan! dr sejak pertemuan pertama gw bru msk 2x! apakah?? apa ini karena memang topiknya g menarik minat gw, atw karena dosenny mirip nobita, atw karena terlalu banyak org2 yg ngajak cabut selalu pas matkul antrop? ckckck. anthropology is supposed to be a very interesting subject. don't we all wanna know what is HUMAN exactly? what cultural basics stand behind every interaction?


how arrogant are we, refusing to study our own backgrounds?

We're Smart People

what's the idealistic life? is it of which you can be happy? what's happiness? do we pursue it?

i just found out today that things aren't as bad as i thought they were. proven, my thought is my own, when i'm dealing with problems beyond myself i can't rely on it. i know things aren't even close to getting back to normal, but (to quote Sarah Jessica Parker in Smart People) "we'll figure it out right? we're smart people."

Jakarta : the city we love to hate.

imagine :

a city with a well-working public transportation system, less than 500 cars and 1000 motorcycles per day, clear air, perfect blue sky,..

it's NOT Jakarta.

hmm.
good morning cosmo people.
i'm currently sitting in my friends car on my way to campus and guess what i found today! yep, our beloved Jakarta has returned to normal. polluted, jammed, sanity-tester Jakarta.
two to three weeks of peace we had in account of holidays has gone indeed. as my evil personality would have commented : they should've forbade people coming home from Jakarta to return if they don't have a house or even an inkling of a job here. well, hate Jakarta long enough maybe eventually they won't have any interest to come at all.

i'm getting closer to the so-called most prestigious university in the country. hmm.
so, until next time. stay sane will u?

pretentious much?

imagine :

i stepped up and told the truth
how would everyone react?

i cried my heart out just because i feel like it
how would my eyes looked like?


i stopped pretending
would my happiness fade?