imagine :

A Long Overdue Farewell

2011-01-22T01:37:00.004+07:00

I haven't been checking in with my blogs lately. I don't know if it was because I didn't have time, or simply didn't want to make time for it. In fact, my bf was the one who reminded me that I have this account and that I kind of ditched it several months ago. Recognize this upfront, as a farewell post. You may or may not care, but this is what this is. So here goes.

The first thing I did when I logged in, was to check on everybody. How are they doing? Are they still writing? What’s new? Then I realized, everybody’s…moving on. I came across posts and posts about everybody’s life. Where have I been? Have I been working? Nope. Most of my closest friends know I’ve been meaning to, well, linger here for a while until I feel I’m ready to devour paperworks and desk-duties as a corporate slave.

Have I been happy?

Now there’s a loaded question. Have I? I’ve been... trying to be, I guess. I do laugh on a daily basis. I cry less than I did last year. For instance, I haven’t whimpered as much in this account for… I don’t know, six months?

But do they count as the indicators of being happy?

Let’s count the factorials here :

During the past months, in which I have been abandoning my virtual life in a blog, I’ve discovered new loves. A love for my oldest and newest friends. For once in a gazillion years, I feel wanted again. I feel like I was exactly where I should be. I should be happy for that. And I am.

I have accomplished so much : academically, socially, creatively, and in so many other ways I could possibly imagine. I’ve managed to graduate with a 3.35 GPA. I’ve done more creative works in the past six months than I did in the total of 21 years I’ve lived and breathed art. I finally know what my future’s going to look like. I should be happy for that. And I am.

I’m finally heading somewhere in my relationship. I’ve learned to set some boundaries for myself, define who I am and be accounted for it, I’m an independent woman in a very dependent relationship. That oughta count for something. And it does.

But something is still missing. I’m still left hanging in the middle of the night, mind wandering everywhere, reminiscing the past. What am I still searching for? Because the knight in shining whatever is either here already, or he’s never going to come at all. The fairy tale I keep telling myself to help me get by is still a fairy tale. So here’s what I think I’ve been doing for the past months : I’ve been selfish.

Because this blog, is all about me. In disregard of everybody else’s feelings and concerns, I have made this blog the best and worst part of me, and it can’t be both at the same time. So I hereby, cutting a mole in my life. This blog account has managed to accompany me through time travels, emotional roller-coasters, and everything else in between.

Yes, I was happy. But I was never content. I’ve learned to be selfish, now I need to learn to be otherwise.

So good bye.

Who knows maybe one day I’ll be worthy of your time.

PS. Thank you for the time travels, Alana. Scents of him will forever loiter in the back of my mind.

Before Everything

2010-06-24T21:56:00.006+07:00

It has been almost a month, since Al went from being an excellent student to an unemployed couch potato. She couldn't say she was bored, but there was really not much she could do. She usually just sit around all day, watching whatever is on TV, or doing the occasional designing projects--which don't come very often either. She began to have this plentiful of spare time, and that means, she began to have the opportunity to reminisce.

That day, her thoughts wander few years back, about a long conversation she had over an afternoon walk in some strange town with not-so-strange man. No, she was no Julie Delpy and he was no Ethan Hawke. But the situation came very close to the one they shared. Come to think of it, the voice... the deep and heavy voice, resembles much of his voice.

"People are strange, you know," Al strolled down the street in her loose white top and worn-out jeans. It was warm that day.

"Strange how?" he asked. He was texting, but it was as if he was so ready to get involved in this conversation as it started.

"I mean, we are socially-induced creatures, right? So there's no way we can live without one another. We will need our friends, our family, and all of our actions depend on their actions and their thoughts, their point of view. Even though we declare we don't care about what they say, even not caring is a response of society's expectations toward our traits, right? We desperately need other people to justify our very existence in this world," Al's eyes wandered toward an ice cream stall across the street.

"Yes, of course. Social-constructivism. I exist because everybody says I do." he sneaked his phone into his jeans pocket.

"Exactly! But the strange thing is," Al paused. "...we get really tired of each other sometimes."

Her legs made a right turn, despite the fact that she didn't know where she was going. But he didn't seem to mind. He would have enjoyed getting lost, if that means he could spend more time with her.

"If I were to make up a disorder to explain who I am, I would say I'm a compulsive competitor." Al chuckled. "Like, I have this huge urge to satisfy myself by being better than everybody else. Even a tiny reward like a simple compliment would be my booster. You know what I mean?"

"Some might say you're an overachiever." He smiled gently.

"No, that's the point. I'm not. I don't come top in class, I don't excel in every subject I could put my hands on--hell, I don't even put my hands on much subjects. But I have this constant need to do great in things others can do okay. The need to be praised, to look good. It's... exhausting."

"Aren't we supposed to feel the way you do? I mean, us youths, who have this big burden on our shoulders to do better than our predecessors did?" he brushed her hand a little, to make her know they were turning left.

"If we are, I think it's sick," she said. "You know, I used to have these terrible nightmares in which I am an assassin or an outlaw, or something, just running and running and running like something was chasing me. But then I came to this alley, a dead-end, with brick walls around me... and there was a person. That person was kneeling in front of me, I couldn't see the face clearly. Then I reached to my back and the next thing I knew I was pointing a gun to that very face. And I pulled the trigger. Just like that."

"That's pretty haunting," commented he.

"Yeah, and I always woke up sweating and my heart was pounding hard. Like I was really running, and the gunshot I heard really came from my gun." she could feel the nightmare creeping up to her vividly.

"Maybe every one of us has this sort of reality we always would want to run from. I have this dream of running, too, every once in a while. And I'd like to think it's normal. Because, face it, life's full of shit. It doesn't always come around the way we want. Sometimes it even goes, thousands of miles from what we expected it to be," he walked slower, like he was deep in thought. "I think we are entitled to run away sometimes. Calm ourselves."

"But what if, it's not the reality I'm running away from? It's the dream. The ideal world created by society?" Al spoke in a soft voice. "What if, I'm running away from society itself? From my friends? It's like, I am in fact an outlaw because I didn't do what their ideal norms expect me to do?"

"Then the best you can do is try. When you get really tired, then you outcast yourself. Re-prioritize. Create your own comfort zone, and succumb to it. Until you're ready and you'll start from scratch." he shrugged. "Though as cruel as it is, the world doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet."

"Yes. So this is what I do. Alone. Because nobody else can feel what I feel, and I have no right to expect otherwise. All we can do is take care of ourselves."

They came to an intersection. It was getting dark and it got pretty quiet. Out of nowhere, Al felt a hand holding hers. He murmured something she couldn't make out, then he guided her across the road.

***

Al sighed. The sun felt gentle on her face. She planted her feet into the short grass below. She shut her eyes, reliving every scene once again. She was running. With him. She opened her eyes.

And there he was.

The voice.

In flesh.

Color Me Wild

2010-06-08T21:57:00.005+07:00

How much of a difference can two people have until they're just plain... different? If God were a fan of uniformity, wouldn't he had just create clones of Adam instead of pairing him with Eve so they can mate and produce a variety of children?

Forgive me for being forward, but God loves colors. It is proven in all His creations, all the different types of insects, of mammals, of fishes, of bacterias, of everything! Then why, oh why, do we defy God's will to preserve those differences in one big harmony that completes one another in His grand design?

Al acknowledge within her heart that every single piece in this giant puzzle is unique. This, she didn't learn the easy way. It took most of her high school era, throughout her college life. There's no low or high, things are just different. But like all the differences there is, this piece of mind she couldn't share with everyone else.

A certain part of her life insists to be more like her. It's flattering, sure, but at the same time, it's bothering her. Because now she has to live with discontentment coloring her world. She doesn't go well with discontentment. For her it's just a relentless journey that leads nowhere.

"Why would anyone try so hard to be someone else, when they can use their time and energy trying to be the best of themselves?" she whispered to the void.

As the gentle fall breeze strikes her cheek, she tries to understand it all. "And why do I have to be the one preaching when it's really not my responsibility?"

She thought about the voice again. Pan. He hasn't been around. No matter how hard she tries to think of him, he never shows up. It's like, he evaporated through the air she breathes and becomes a part of herself, always telling her what to do. But she'd like to hear his voice again. To know that certain things she knows are actually real.

Why am I always the one to blame? To take responsibility? To be tough, to be... able? For once in my life I want to take a back seat, to see where the driver's going and really trust him that he would bring me to places I will most enjoy. Sometimes, there's a great chance I really desire to be taken care of, for a change.

-Alana Stidenick

The Lovely Bones

2010-06-06T00:53:00.002+07:00

It's easy to spot one's flaw when you're standing in a distance, right?

For Al, it was as easy to spot her own flaws and derangements. She never thought she would be this bitter poison, going around hating people because they seem slightly more successful than she is. No, she was always optimistic. She never needed the strange colorful dream she had a couple of months ago. But then again, everything feels overwhelmingly different now. It was as if, somehow, she had managed to destroy herself, blame everyone else for it, and stay put.

"I don't understand the state I am in," she said to someone, once, as she quietly whispered to herself, "who are you?"

It's like losing directions, like standing in the middle of an opening, the sky above and endless grass field below. With no limitations, no street signs, no trees, no stars, nothing to guide her. Not even a voice. That voice she had been waiting to hear, but never did for quite a while. For a split second, she thought she was angry. The promise he had made for her, seemed to have been flushed down the drain.

But no.

She's not angry. She's just... at loss.

It's just like grieving, you can't really get yourself up but the world doesn't have the intention of waiting for you either. And she had never thought, that change would be this perplexing.

Observing the Observers

2010-03-28T21:55:00.008+07:00

So, I attended Indonesia's 1st Hot Air Balloon Adventure at Sentul City yesterday (27/3). Crowdy, yet cheerful. There were only two balloons on ground when I get there, whereas the other 16 were airborne. I love seeing the colors against the clear blue sky. The anticipation of waiting the 16 balloons to get back and be displayed on a corner. It was pretty hot, I tell you, I had to squint my eyes very hard every time I got out of the shade. My bf was sweating his ass off. I'm sure everybody felt the same heat. It was only 8 o'clock and it felt like 12.

There's something else I notice from the crowd. The way everybody was holding their cameras, man, it could as well be a camera exhibition. So out of the mere excitement of seeing a lot--and I mean A LOT--of cameras, my dad offered a suggestion. Why not observe the observers? And so I did.

Here are some of them.

... and this is my very own personal favorite

What a weekend. I get to see the parade of balloons, spend time with my loved ones, and freshen my eyes with beautiful, beautiful gadgets. ;D

Until next time,

Kalista.

Pan

2010-03-26T21:18:00.003+07:00

If Al said she never think about that crazy guy she met that one afternoon, she'd be lying. No matter how hard she tried, he was all she thought about. No matter how preoccupied she was with her life in college. But he was always there. In the corner of her eyes, in the back of her mind. He was there. With bright colorful hair and dark blue eyes. Sometimes she swore she could hear his voice. No, not the cheery one. The deep, heavy voice. Yet she hadn't seen him again. She had walked that narrow path every day for quite some time but he wasn't there.

Until that day.

Al saw a balloon floating above her as she walked the same path she walked yesterday. And the day before. And the day before. A bright red balloon. Al didn't want to follow it, but it went where she went. Almost like him.

Exactly like him.

Because there he was. At the end of the path, with his hands behind his back, a mysterious smile on his face, and his colorful outfit. Al didn't expect to see him, but now that she did, it almost felt.. familiar.

"Hello," he greeted.

Unsure, Al stayed quiet.

"Oh, don't act like we don't know each other, now." he started his last ritual, moving around, circling Al like a carousel.

"I still don't know your name." Al stated.

and with that, he stopped, grabbed her hand without giving her time to react, and pulled her.. upward. Or downward. Or sideways. Al couldn't decide which way they were moving. She felt her head spinning. Her body was tingling all over the place. There was a sense of suffocation in her throat, her heart began to pound really fast. She closed her eyes, but she could still see hints of colors from all over the place. A shade of red. A touch of blue. A sparkling yellow. A splash of magenta. Everything. She spun, she spun, she pun.

And she stopped.

She felt gravity began to take hold of her. Her arms were throbbing. She must have hit some kind of pavement.

"Open your eyes." a deep, heavy voice whispered in her ear.

Al obeyed. She didn't expect what she was seeing. A land of balloons. Of rainbows, of rain. Yes, it was raining something that looked like paint, but didn't tint Al's body as it hit her.

He helped her up. Al saw the pavement she hit. It looked like a dance floor.

"I," he began leaning away from her, making the floor glow as he stepped on each tile, like in one of Michael Jackson's video clip. "am your wildest imagination."

Al looked around. She saw a desert of canvas on her left. With mountains of charcoal pencils, trees that looked like paint tubes. In her right was a stage, with full band instruments. They smell funny, though. Like... vanilla.

"I am your simplest thoughts, your most childish wishes." he approached a grand piano on the stage. Stroke a note, creating blitzes of multiple shades. "I am your craziest behavior. Your complicated life."

He moved around again, lights followed his every step. And so did she.

"I am your sanctuary. I am your remedy. I am your pillow." he stopped short, in his typical way, and started walking toward her. "I am you."

"But how could you be me if I am me?" Al asked.

"How could you be you if I am you?" he responded. His cheery voice began to fade. His rigid posture softened. It was almost as if the colors in his clothes were fading. He took Al by the hand, guided her to the nearest hill facing the canvas desert. A tree of paintbrushes standing tall behind them. He asked her to sit down with him. She obeyed.

"I am your deepest thought, Al. I don't exist unless you think of me. I am here to help you." he said.

"Help me what?"

"Understand."

Al took a deep breath, and as she let go, she drew her eyes off of him, to the sight in front of her. The grand masterpiece of colors, of shapes and sounds, and smells. "What else do I need to understand?" she whispered, feeling the urge to choke back the tears that were about to come out.

"Me." he answered gently. "Call me whatever you like."

Al fell silent for a while. "Peter?"

He smiled cryptically. "That sounds catchy. I'll be your very own Pan."

They were silent. They were silent for quite some time. Al was enjoying the cool breeze against her face. How it made her feel like she was underwater. She embraced the smell of sugar and vanilla in the air. The touch of soft grass on her hands. The marmalade sky. It was her sanctuary. It was her wildest imagination. The world of the abstract. Of possibilities. Every possibility on earth, and beyond.

"How can I come back here?" she felt tears running down her cheeks.

"Think of me." Peter put his arm around her shoulders. His deep, heavy voice was beginning to get very gentle. "I'll always be here. This is my home."

Al closed her eyes.

Pilot.

2010-03-19T17:48:00.004+07:00

Al sticked up her earphones. In the mere knowledge of how this day was just another bad day like she had predicted, she scoffed, picked another song by Paramore and walked. Like always. Rewinding the tape in her head, she played that day’s scenario all over again.

She woke up.

Had breakfast.

Got a shower.

Put on some cutting-edge outfit to impress her classmates.

And walked. and walked.

And walked.

And played the same old role, the same old smile, the same old pretenses. The day went by, same old Al. She scoffed again, kicked some gravels as she strolled down the narrow path to her house and tried to let it go.

“Pssst!”

She almost couldn’t hear it.

“Hey!”

Al stopped short. She removed one of her earphones and looked around. “Hello?” she stretched her ears, trying to listen. Usually, she never had been so bold. Her iPod was almost like her sanctuary, immersing her thoughts in rhymes and loud guitar sounds. Somehow, today was different.

“Hello? Anybody here?”

“Hi!”

Al almost jumped backwards when she saw him—or it. A tall figure. A very colorful tall figure, was standing in front of her, grinning. It had hair like a very strange rainbow-flavored cotton candy. Its teeth were white, with a hint of pink gloss all over it. It was wearing a suit, a green jacket and yellow trousers. Its big red shoes looked like it belongs to Ronald McDonald. Its posture was… masculine, with a touch of vanity. Maybe it was fair to say that IT was a man. A slender man, bold in appearance but gentle in his gaze. He was standing with his hands behind his back, as if he was holding confettis and was ready to throw them at Al.

She was uncertain as to how to respond. She just stared.

“Aren’t you going to greet me back?” asked the man.

“I only greet whom I know.” Al answered. Her eyes fixed on his dark blue iris. The darkest color she could find in him.

“Well, what’s your name?” he asked calmly, in a cheery voice, almost like a voice of a seventeen-year-old boy who has just reached puberty. But Al was sure she could detect depth in his tone.

“Alana.” She said. “Who are you?”

“Well,” he started circling her. “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.”

Al scowled. “Did you just quote The Beatles to me?”

“I don’t know, did I?” he stopped moving, leaning his face against hers.

“Okay,” Al pulled back, started to walk away. She plugged her earphone back to her left ear and cranked up the volume. She didn’t have time to indulge a mad man.

But then again, there was something intriguing about him. Something… more. And as she hasten her steps, she could hear a distant voice in her head.

“We’ll be seeing each other.” A deep, heavy voice.

Al looked back for the last time, to find that the man was gone.

Leaving Pandora.

2010-01-30T23:57:00.004+07:00

saint-like

as I stroll through the last days of term break, I'm beginning to feel the bittersweet sensation. of parting from the boring days i've had, and of greeting new days; scary and chaotic. i guess.. what i really feel is.. dissatisfaction. disappointment. oh well.

wash me clean, will anyone? from distant memories of fantasies, of possibilities. as reality begins to show its new dawn, my dreams falter into dusk.

i'm keeping them in a tiny little box. where they don't matter anymore. where all they can do is slumber. until one day, maybe one day, i'll come and open the box, walk the walk through the flame again.

my visa in Pandora has expired. i'm taking an Ikran out of here. and i'm okay. i will be, at least. ;)

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

2010-01-30T22:15:00.007+07:00

the sky that afternoon was so lovely I decided to get out on the street bare feet just to get a shot at it.

Nightmares and dreamscapes.
What do they even mean? Are they fragments of yourself, trying to get out? Or divine interventions?
What does it mean, when you dream about something so often you forgot to keep count? Does it mean that you want something so much that it affects your subconscious? Or was it just a fragment of the things you think about right before you go to sleep?
Dreams and dreams themselves are reminders.
Of what you've forgotten.
Of your wants and needs.
Of the things you want to forget.

Of the things you've missed, and the things you're missing.
Of something.. slightly out of reach.

In Knowing What I Had and Being Forced To Let It Go

2009-12-25T22:50:00.002+07:00

it's like.. finding the right shoes like it's tailor-made for you. and yet.. you can't afford it.

Yang.

2009-09-25T22:38:00.003+07:00

It's been a long time since I've seen her like this. Glowing with different sets of colors, vibrant and rich. She's passionate, I could see it in her eyes. And the man standing behind her could barely sense this. He's like this tiny box, unfitting for her spreading blasts of colorful beams. It just feels wrong. And I could see, in glimpses that she's feeling rather unsatisfied. His humble gestures were no match to her brilliance. She's an angel--no, a faerie--on a short leash, unable to fly.

I'm In Love with My 2-year-old Nephew

2009-09-21T21:32:00.005+07:00

Oh wow, I just got home from Bintaro. Just visited two houses of my relatives. I met my favourite nephew today, his name is Carlo. He's only 2 years old but man, he can take my breath away. :D We didn't get along quite well at first, he kept running off from me. But once I have my mom's digicam in my hand, we became best buddies. But take this, most toddlers like their pictures taken. Not Carlo. He loves taking pictures. He got really high when he clicked the shutter and the flash went off. Trouble was, he put his fingers on the lens so all you got is red-ish pictures.

that's him, and one of the pictures he took

Unlike other 2-year-olds who keeps whining and weeping all the time, he didn't cry ONCE this evening. He just kept running around, showing everybody his daddy's car, comparing it to the cars he saw in a magazine, learning new words and practically absorbed everything I taught him. The funny thing was when I pointed a picture of Noordin M Top on Tempo Magazine and I asked him who it was, he answered "Papa."
It's fatalistic to mistake a crazy terrorist for your father.

Today I'm reminded of how much I've missed out. I love my family. Both sides. My father's side, well, they're more relaxed. I can connect with them in no time at all. They don't gossip much and they don't ask the exact same questions each year we see each other. Well, some of 'em don't. The old ones still do. My mom's family are mostly women so you know what you'll get. But I'm a bit closer to them so I know almost everyone.
They all have their kinks but, hey, whose family doesn't? I find myself making more effort to communicate with them and the more I do, the more I enjoy being around them. Well, maybe once or twice a year is the perfect amount to see that big of a family. You really get to like them. Spend more time than that, you might get irritated.

I think I'm lucky. In a way.

On the ride home, seeing the streetlamps of Pondok Indah, I was reminded of a fragment of my past. Hmm. Then I thought about Le Babouin. I miss him so much I could die.

Surgical.

2009-09-21T11:17:00.005+07:00

It's a little past eleven and already the sun is searing hot. And I mean ho-oott! Second day of Syawal, I've been busied all morning with houseworks and Murakami. Yep, I finished the Murakami. What do I think of it? Hmm. Otherworldly, I guess. Reading his book is like exploring through a series of subconscious experiences, like being in one of my dreams where everything's distorted but you can see a lot of different things in there. Every emotion is projected a certain way. Like this dark corner of yourself you never thought you have but you always see when you're sleeping. When everything else is dark. That's how I feel about Murakami. One of my friends once mentioned about how he couldn't seem to enjoy Murakami's novel because he couldn't find closure in the end. Maybe that's what it is. It left you.. lingering. Like when you find yourself looking through the window to an open sky and just stay there for a couple of minutes without any thought whatsoever, as your eyes began to get unfocused and everything else around you blurred out. You thought you were waiting for something to appear, but you settled just by gazing absently.

Yes, it got me this emotional. I don't know. I think I need this kind of reading. Not just meaningless tweets or obligatory news stories. Makes me wanna write. :)

Today I might be doing my round of silaturahmi. Visiting relatives, driving around the empty streets of Jakarta. Maybe later I'll drop by to the nearest bookstore and go grab Dan Brown's new fiction. Hmm. Another conspiracy story. Nice. I can't wait to go on an adventure with Robert Langdon again.

I'm in a crossroad. I think I can feel myself building new walls, slowly but ever so sure. I feel the presence of Ms. Cristina and Ms. Yang again. They've been gone for a while, but now they're back. Arguing again. I hate them. I want them to go away.

Yang : But you need me, Cristina. You need me now more than ever.

Victorious.

2009-09-19T22:26:00.002+07:00

And at last.. here we are. The end of Ramadhan, in the eve of victory. The time we always spend with our family. The time when I have to drag myself to my kitchen and make myself useful. The noisy night, with a bunch of kids praising God on the speaker. The most familiar time. Blissful.

So with this, needless to say more, I just wanna ask your forgiveness, for my misdemeanors, my false presumptions, my thick head, my sharp tongue, .. my wrong doings.

Cheers,
Kalista Cendani

PS. I might do a feature on this event, probably post it on UPIU. wish me luck!

How to Force Myself Out of Misery.

2009-09-18T22:57:00.002+07:00

Hello. I just got home from a movie in Djakarta Theater with Le Babouin. Funny movie. Entertaining, despite the fact that we got there late and I was distracted most of the time. No. NOT doing "stuff". Something else.
On the way home, for the 700th time, we got a flat tire. A screw screwed into the tire mercilessly, creating a bang. So we pulled over and started to look for a tukang tambal ban. We found one, rather quickly too. As I look around, I noticed something. Hey, isn't that a tombstone? There's another one. And another one. And another one. Oh. That's a graveyard. That oughta be rich. Ha. But no, nothing incidental.

Murakami update : getting interesting. I think I'll finish it in a couple of days.

I feel rather down tonight. Le Babouin is going away for holiday and I'm kinda left with a trail of pain. Sometimes I think to myself : how did I get into this? Lately, the pain has become unbearable. And I HATE BEING THOUGHT OF AS SOMEONE STUPID. I'm not stupid. I know more than everybody thinks I do. It's just weird. It's like biting your lips to endure the pain, but it's still there. It got worse and the cut got deeper.

I don't know. Maybe I just want someone to say :
"Even though you stay quiet, I can tell you're crying. And I'm sorry."

Today I Lay on a Stack of Hay.

2009-09-17T19:56:00.004+07:00

First and foremost, I think I need to warn you about the randomness of this post. It might be severe. My mind is all over the place right now but I've made a vow to myself that whenever I feel the urge to write, I'll write. So don't say you haven't been warned.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Okay, update on the Murakami project. Loving it. So far, at least. I love how he writes and makes the monotony of everyday life feels so... upbeat. I think I've chosen the right title for my first Murakami novel : Dance Dance Dance. My kind of pleasure. Literature and the illusion of music. Hmm.

I've been enjoying my life a little bit more. Though there's a few hick-up know and again, most of them are concerning my love life. But well, I should be able to cope.
Hmmmm. I love fresh couples. I love young loves. Young, not in the context of age, but rather in the novelty of it. I love seeing people blush when they meet someone they have a crush on. How they couldn't stop talking about it even though I've explicitly told them to (no, it's not you, R. i love hearing your stories. They're magical). Sometimes I feel envious. This is how I recognize my longtime disease : Needingnewsparkizoma.

Random, random, random.
Let's see, what did I do today? 'Been sleepy all morning. I felt angry most of the day, I don't know why (or actually I know why but maybe I was exaggerating). 'Buka Puasa' with my Baboon and my family. Yes, I don't exactly like the term "break-fasting" it's like.. morning time meal. Ha. Doesn't suit me very well. That's about it. Starting to feel like my life's a big joke, but I got over it. I'm writing, aren't I? That's my purpose in life. To write.

I love reading Murakami in between classes and while waiting for the bus. Gives me solitude.
I hate traffic in Jakarta these days. Makes me wanna eat myself alive from toe to head (toe first because if I eat my head first I don't get to eat my feet).

That's all about today.
Tomorrow I'm gonna be missing Le Babouin.

'Till later.

On Being Forced Out of Love and Appreciating Everything Before They're Lost.

2009-09-15T20:24:00.004+07:00

It's the second day I've been trying to read one of Murakami's classics. Hmm. No, I wouldn't say the book is hard to digest, but I merely need more time to read it. Like, really some alone time. I think it's gonna turn out great.
I realized a strange thing back when I was strolling through the book store with my family : I've always wanted to read Jeffrey Eugenides' "Middlesex". That title always comes up at the top of my mind whenever I was planning to go to the bookstore, but somehow, it always ended up in the bottom of the stack of my reading choices and eventually I bought something else instead. Hm. I never knew why.

Alright. I guess I know what the topic of the day would be : LOVE. Corny, tacky and abstract, love. After reading one of my friends' post about how wonderful it is to be in love, and in retrospect read my post about how it is to be forced out of love, I gained some interesting insights.

Being in love,.. isn't necessarily blinding as people said it would. Yeah, all we see are flowers and rainbows and goofy stuff. Hear this, if we all were born a saint--a purist--then people are all essentially good, right? I think being in love, is actually the ultimate eye-opening phenomena that's ever happen to us. For a moment, a week, a year, or in some cases a lifetime, we see the best of someone and in effect (normally, that is), we try to bring out the best of ourselves. And I think that's a good thing. Living for 20 years listening to news about murder, theft, riots, unsafe neighbourhoods, I think I was forced to understand that people can be bad. People are bad. It's exhausting. Like, you have to look over your shoulders every 2 minutes, you have to maneuver your moves into society so you can decide who you can trust and who you can't. It's like a never-ending effort that never quite works anyway. Our spouses still cheat on us, our parents lie, our friends talk about us behind our back, I mean what's the point?

Being in love, I think is a gift. Because for that period of time, you can become the most positive person you can be. The only misery might be your struggle to be the best. That struggle, that fight, worth more than you can think.

Being in love is a process. Not a destination.
If only.. we can learn to fall in love with each other just a little bit more, don't you think the world would be just a little bit better?

On Being Forced Out of Love and Not Being Able to Do Anything.

2009-09-13T20:08:00.005+07:00

Do you know the feeling when you're really devastated you can't even cry anymore? All you can do is to keep breathing, and feel every fragment of yourself vanishes as you let that last breath go. It's like giving up, but by force. It's like losing you beliefs for yourself and everything around you. Like you finally realized, the happy ending you wanted isn't for you.

As you breathe, and you breathe, and you breathe for so long it's like you're going numb. Except for that tiny tingling hint of pain you feel in every joint in your body that keeps you longing for a painkiller. That keeps the urge of crying without a single drop of tear exists.

It's like losing your options when you're ready to choose.
Like loving someone, and lose.

... and in the end, you alone are going to feel what you feel. Until your body crumbles, as you watch your soul.. walk away.

Filosofi Gula

2009-09-12T09:16:00.003+07:00

kok kosong rasanya kata-kata itu
seperti icing sebuah cupcake yang meskipun di sayang-sayang nantinya akan habis juga.
lalu harus dimakan atau nggak sih?
icing itu kan cuma kumpulan gula, dengan bentuk dan warna
tapi memang hanya gula.
pemanis.
seperti gulali di Fatahillah
dimasukkan mulut, dirasakan manisnya, tapi cepat sekali hilangnya.
lalu coklat
coklat susu. hmmmm. ups. ternyata coklat itu pahit kan?

jadi sebenarnya buat apa?
kalau pemanis itu cuma tipuan yang berlangsung sebentar?
hanya seperti gula kah?
yang menurut lidahku juga bukan makanan yang friendly.
atau seperti seporsi makan siang 4 sehat 5 sempurna?
sehat, enak, beragam, dan melengkapi satu sama lain.

PS : ya, gue lagi puasa. jadi begini.

sweet cakes and milkshakes.

2009-09-07T12:24:00.001+07:00

it's monday morning and i'll be missing you a whole week. say hi, dear, to my new blog. :)

O Creativity, Where Art Thou?

2009-08-24T20:27:00.002+07:00

It's 20.29 in my Mac's clock, I've just come home from a movie and dinner with my loved ones. The house is really quiet. Most of my family have gone to the mosque, I guess. Hm. I think I've never been this alone in my house. It's nice, sometimes. I don't hear noises from my brother's computer, or the sound of tv blaring from the living room below. It's like I'm in a quiet corner of my mind, absorbing the solitude.
Hmmm. I miss writing. It's been a while since I wrote anything but complaints. I want to write something decent, something joyous--if not rich, something.. alive. Maybe I should start a journal. Yes, a diary, a new one. And maybe vow to myself that I won't turn it into another garbage disposal. Like this blog, for instance. It started as a media for me to write anything I wanted. Now all you can find here is just complaints. Endless rant of how miserable my life is, while it actually isn't.
I want to be.. creative, again. I want to open my mind to the sound of the wind; the gentle night breeze and not complain about the heat. Like a scene in The Matrix where Neo learned to jump over buildings. I want to jump over rivers, oceans. I want to do the impossible.
I want my mind to be free.

Fact.

2009-08-18T00:33:00.001+07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you're crying alone, your body feels colder and after you're finished, you have this big urge to pee? Everytime. I don't know why.

Wishful Thinking

2009-08-17T22:39:00.003+07:00

sometimes I wish I had a big brother so I can lean on him whenever I'm sad.
sometimes I wish I had a little sister with whom I can make dolls with.
sometimes I wish I had better skill as an artist.
sometimes I wish I could sing.

other times I wish I was taller.
other times I wish I had tidier bedroom.
other times I wish I wasn't me.
other times.. I wish I wasn't as lonely as I feel.

but sometimes, I just wish to be myself, free of expectations, living life the way I wanted.
sometimes I wish, I could be ugly and people still love me.

hhhhh...
sometimes I wish I wasn't this selfish--or whiny.

Pandora's Box

2009-08-02T09:17:00.003+07:00

Oh, heck. I've been holding in the urge to complain for quite some time and face it, I'm not perfect. My life isn't.
You know, I do really feel like I'm Alice. Lost in a world she doesn't understand, bitching and complaining, and sounding like a snob, bossing around every weird creature she comes across. Like Crazy Mad-Hatter who thinks everyday's worth celebrating for the vague reason that it's NOT his birthday. Maybe I should do that. Celebrate the days I feel unloved.
Oh, how I reach this crazy state of discomfort--yet again? I just wanna eat my body alive, you know. Yeah, and watching "His Just NOT That Into You" is clearly not helping at all. Now I just wish I have an Alex around so I can ask him things I should know about a man. So unrealistic, for I know every man is as good as jerks like he said, and he's just gonna be one of them anyway.
I've never been this harsh in my posts before,... or have I? Ah, what do you care? You're just a server, you can't talk back. Anybody who reads this probably just has nothing better to do and they're not gonna talk back either.
Well, what do you know? I guess this is my way of celebrating my crappy day. Which is pretty much 364 days in a year. Not to exaggerate. This is just how low I feel.

Dum Dum Dum

2009-07-21T13:07:00.003+07:00

Browsing through my older posts, I came to realize that they have become so much more selfish. Everything in them is all about me, a series of endless and bottomless complaints. In effect, I became more selfish. I hate this part of my life. The part where everything seems to be wrong, and what I do always end up hurting someone.
This is not me. I was vibrant, carefree, sweet in my own way (as people around me would say). I march to no one else's drums, and I loved it. What have I done to get to this point? Another mistake? The same one, perhaps?
I used to be selfless. I know it. But lately all I think about is me and how I don't get enough of what I want. Is this supposed to be like this? Because if it is, I wanna go. No, not run. Just maybe take a step back in intention of taking 2 steps forward.
Like this sweet little dance we do. Don't you think we should change the music now?

Anything I'm Not

2009-07-20T22:22:00.003+07:00

I will never be, I will never be tall, no..
and I will never be, never ever be sure of it all
oh why's the world so cruel to me?
when all, all I ever wanna be was anything I'm not

give me a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
anything I'm not.

I will never be, I will never be you, no
I will always be, I will always be me, that I know
but oh, even though I'm happy being me
I want to get away from all this harsh reality

give me a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
anything I'm not

--Lenka

PS : it almost feels like she was feeling the exact same way I am. Then again, this is just a song.

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

2009-07-13T20:04:00.002+07:00

How happy is blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted and each wish resign'd.
--Alexander Pope

Hatred

2009-07-02T21:41:00.004+07:00

It's like an itch all over my body and I don't know where to scratch. Like a failed spell, all I've burned was my own energy.

Really exhausting and unfair.

Summer Movie Review Pt. IV (updated)

2009-06-27T21:57:00.003+07:00

Garuda di Dadaku

Rapi. Meskipun masih ada dialog-dialog, atau kegiatan-kegiatan yang kelihatan nggak mungkin dilakukan sama orang-orang Indonesia jaman sekarang. But it's good. Gue rasa Indonesia lebih butuh film-film kayak gini daripada film remaja seksi-seksian atau film horor. Nggak perlu lah terlalu ambisius nyoba-nyoba bikin film dengan spesial efek yang luar biasa (yang ujung-ujungnya juga yaaa, kacang). Tumbuhin dulu nasionalisme-nya, kapitalisme belakangan.

For a movie, 3.5 out of 5.
For an Indonesian movie, 5.

PS. Haha. Ada Tegar sama Tinton dan beberapa anak FISIP lainnya gue liat dalam film ini. Cukup menghibur.

Summer Movie Review Pt. III

2009-06-26T21:33:00.002+07:00

Transformers 2 : Revenge of The Fallen

Nice. Why not? Still has the great action, the outstanding special effect, and probably a good storyline. Despite what some people say, I don't really think it's disappointing. Well, maybe because I didn't really expect a lot when I got into the theater. Hmm.. But I think The Decepticons talked too much in this movie. You know, they should be dark, somewhat mysterious, yet now they talk like ordinary human-villains that are stupid.

During the final battle, my bf said something. "Loh ini Transformers atau Power Rangers?". Touche. I think that's the punchline of tonight's summer movie. Apart from that, I must say : woohoo!!

Definitely worth seeing.
4 stars out of 5

Oh. Sigh.

2009-06-24T15:10:00.002+07:00

Oh, God. What is it about girls and sappy love stories?? Giving a girl a DVD or a book about romance is like opening Pandora's Box. They get touchy, whiny, needy and clingy right after they'd consumed it. The stories are good, too good for them to handle. Believe me, it's a big trouble for boyfriends and husbands out there. They will always want a better you, they want you to understand their need, they want you to be the knight in shining whatever who always comes at the right time at the right place, wherever or whenever that is.
You know, these stories are the secret wishes and dreams of the author, the ones that never really came true. So they put it in writing, or screenplay, and show to other girls so that they share the author's desperate dreams and wishes.
It sucks.
It sucks being one of those girls.
Because, hey, it's reality! We don't live in a good novel or a great movie. We face everyday life, where nothing ever come that close to perfection. Where there are always something missing, something leaving.
Oh, God, I'm so depressed it's freaky.
It sucks, it really does.

Like Alice

2009-06-24T08:20:00.002+07:00

syllables after syllables
letters after letters
she typed and she typed
like a myriad of broken hearts, the words bled out.

Like Alice, she stepped into the unknown
a familiar ache with a new face

Like Alice, with the fluctuating body size
she, with the waves of emotion she bears everyday.

The sense of foolishness.
The tingle of desperation
A reach that never seems to reach.

An effort, flushed down the drain.

She misses the way it was
The occasional boredom, the need to be needed
to be wanted,
to be happy with no hint of confusion

Like Alice, she wants to go home.

Welcome to My Life

2009-06-21T19:49:00.002+07:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down
do you ever feel out of place
like somehow you just don't belong
and no one understands you?

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio turned up so loud
that no one hears you screaming?

No you don't know what it's like
when nothing feels alright
you don't know what it's like to be like me

to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark
to be kicked when you're down
to feel like you've been pushed around
to be on the edge of breaking down and no one's there to save you
no you don't know what it's like
welcome to my life

do you wanna be somebody else?
are you sick of feeling so left out?
are you desperate to find something more
before your life is over?

are you stuck inside a world you hate?
are you sick of everyone around?
with the big fake smiles and stupid lies
while deep inside you're bleeding?

no one ever lied straight to your face
and no one ever stabbed you in the back
you might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
everybody always gave you what you wanted
you never had to work it was always there
you don't know what it's like,
what it's like

--Simple Plan

PS : a pretty selfish song, not to mention a mainstream cliche. but pretty close to reality right now.

Sitcom?

2009-06-19T21:56:00.000+07:00

I feel like my life is just one crappy episode after another.

B***h

2009-06-19T20:34:00.000+07:00

STOP OVERSTEPPING MY JURISDICTION, B!

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

2009-06-19T15:28:00.002+07:00

Hold up, hold on.. Don't be scared.
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile shine on
Don't be scared.
Your destiny will keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars were fading away
Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday
Just take what you need, and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out.

--Oasis

PS : I have a never-ending love for this song. It always appears in the best films, and always brings out my emotions everytime I hear it. I think it's a self-supporting song for me.

Marry Plopper

2009-06-19T11:14:00.003+07:00

I think everybody at least once in their lives have dreamed of becoming a writer. I actually walked the dream. But it turned out, the dream doesn't agree with me. Apart from the fact that I might actually be a crappy writer, I don't have what it takes to be a real journalist. I dreamed of becoming a National Geographic reporter once, and I'm watching my dream dying from day to day. It's pretty sad. How I've planned my whole life for this ambition. Stepping on the exact stones I should step on. Yet somehow, I don't feel it. Writing is merely a passion for me. Not a hint of a profession. It's something that comes out of me. Not something I receive from an observation.
So here I am, or here we are, blogging, pretending that everybody gives a shit on what we write. While you know, even this post would just go unnoticed.

Should I invent a Marry Plopper to be equivalent to J.K. Rowling?

I miss the day I was so alive.

I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life.
-Leo Tolstoy in "Family Happiness"

Panggilan

2009-06-17T23:37:00.002+07:00

Sekarang lagi jaman banget ya panggilan "sist" dan "gan" (I don't exactly understand what does "gan" mean. "Ganteng" ?) ? Entah kenapa kok gue merasa sangat terganggu ya dengan panggilan-panggilan itu? Hmm. I think we were doing just fine before someone invented them.

Another Garbage Related Post

2009-06-16T22:24:00.003+07:00

Sometimes I feel like I have so much to offer, but no one would take any of it. It's such a waste.

Human = A Thinking Animal

2009-06-16T17:28:00.004+07:00

You know, sometimes I do find that men are very much akin to animals. Men, in general, I mean--both male and female. We have this tendency of marking our territory. No, not by urinating on them, sure we have our own ways. But a territory is a territory, and we try very hard to keep people from invading it. And like the jungle, there are also those who keep trying to overrule you. Hmm. Interesting.

Sampah Masyarakat

2009-06-15T11:03:00.005+07:00

Di sebelah rumah gue, tinggal sebuah keluarga yang menurut nyokap gue udah sakit jiwa. Mobilnya banyak, punya supir, tapi peliiiittt banget. Bahkan untuk bayar tukang sampah aja nggak mau. Ini yang mengganggu. Instead of bayar tukang sampah untuk ngangkut sampah di rumahnya, mereka memilih untuk menimbun dan ketika udah banyak lalu dibakar. Gila apa? Bayar tukang sampah berapa sih emangnya? Dibanding bayar pembantu-pembantunya yang brengsek-brengsek itu?
Coba deh, lo hidup dalam komplek pemukiman, bukan di pinggir jalan. Face it, you have neighbours. Sangat nggak sopan dan nggak peka menurut gue, kalo lo tiba-tiba ngebakar sampah yang bejibun itu tanpa memperhitungkan asap yang ke mana-mana. Masalahnya tiap kali bakar sampah tuh asap masuknya ke rumah gue. And it's really disturbing. Udah baunya nggak enak, and who the hell know what were they burning? It could be toxic waste for all I care!
Maksud gue, apa sih susahnya bayar tukang sampah? Duitnya kan banyak. Lagian itu kan nggak cuma menguntungkan warga sekitar, tapi juga bagi-bagi rejeki sama si tukang-tukang sampah itu. Sama pemulung. Lagipula kalau udah di tangan mereka kan sampah-sampah itu bisa didaur ulang juga. Segitu nggak peka lingkungannya ya mereka? Orang-orang kayak gini nih yang bakal bikin bumi makin cepet matinya.
Oh iya. Dan mereka itu BEBAL! One night, mereka bakar sampah (bayangkan! malem-malem asap masuk ke kamar gue banyak bgt!) dan diomelin abis-abisan sama nyokap gue. I didn't get to hear what the pembantus said but they must have said something nasty because my mom got really angry she called them names. Harusnya kapok dong ya? Nope. They did it again just now. Dan tebak apa yang dilakukan the pembantus ketika nyokap gue ngomel lagi? They just ignored her and went into the house.
Amat sangat nggak sopan. Gila apa tuh satu rumah begitu semua orangnya? I think it's contagious. Gue bingung harus gimana menghadapi orang-orang kayak gitu. Nggak bisa didiemin juga, because they live next door, and we gotta deal with them everyday.

Semoga teman-teman gue nggak kayak gitu ya? Ayolah, peka sama tetangga, meskipun nggak kenal. Nggak ada ruginya kan? You don't know, you might need them someday. :)

Hell and Bliss

2009-06-14T22:21:00.003+07:00

To explain the madness of you
to complain of the sadness involved with knowing you
to forget the revolting thought of going through
the regret and the healing that I'd have to do

Through my eyes the sky is pretty and
you promise you'll join in the flight
but I can't deny the gritty thought
that you can't take the height

You can look at this as one big fall
life won't be both hell or bliss or it can be nothing at all
so I just ask you now to choose,
don't you think it's worth it--even if you lose?

How do I begin to speak
when actions measure true feelings
though your words do leave me weak,
your movements always leave me kneeling

The true test of time is distance
but I am not willing to see
I won't damage with nonsense
what actions show is meant to be

Through my eyes the sky is pretty and
you promise you'll join in the flight
but I can't deny the gritty thought
that you can't take the height

You can look at this as one big fall
life won't be both hell or bliss or it can be nothing at all
so I just ask you now to choose,
don't you think it's worth it,
even if you could still lose?

-Majandra Delfino

PS : this song also brings back memory of Roswell. oh, I love that series.

Happy?

2009-06-12T22:27:00.000+07:00

I want to be truly happy. For once.

Idiocy

2009-06-12T20:06:00.002+07:00

I think I haven't heard anything smart coming out of my mouth lately. People used to say I'm sharp. I'm not. I'm dull. Blagh.

BLAGGHHH!!!

2009-06-12T16:26:00.002+07:00

Sebel abis. Kesel. Huarrggghhh. Merasa ditipu mentah-mentah. Grokk. Ihhh. Arrrgghhh.

I

am

genuinely

bummed.

this semester sucks. enough said. kuda!

iihhhhhh
arrrggggghhhhhhhhh

Networking Websites Can Kill Us All--Or Might Just Have Saved Us.

2009-06-11T20:05:00.004+07:00

I just learned a few trivial details about my brother.
I know now that he likes Alesana as well as Jason Mraz.
I know now that his favourite movies are LOTRs, Night at The Museum, Star Wars, and Harry Potter.
I know now that Benny & Mice comics had a slight of an impact on his life.
I get a hint that he might be starting to date.

And I found out about all that through Facebook. How crazy is that???

CSI Miami

2009-06-11T15:44:00.003+07:00

There's always something bothering me everytime I watch CSI Miami. The.. chief, leader, or head department or whatever, Horatio something. He has this tendency of approaching the suspects, talks to them with his head down and low voice, looking through the corner of his eyes, and then just leave in the middle of conversation. And it happens all the time. It's really weird. I would be, like, really ticked off if I talk to someone like him.

Dreams on Fire

2009-06-10T20:36:00.004+07:00

You are my waking dream
You're all that's real to me
You are the magic in the world I see

You are the prayer I sing
You brought me to my knees
You are the faith that made me believe

Dreams on fire
Higher and higher
Passions burning bright on the pyre
One spark forever yours
Give me all your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher and higher

You are my ocean waves
You are my thought each day
You are the laughter from childhood games

You are the spark of dawn
You are where I belong
You are the ache I feel in every song

Dreams on fire
Higher and higher
Passions burning bright on the pyre
One spark forever yours
Give me all your heart
Dreams on fire
Higher and higher

-A.R. Rahman ft. Suzanne

beautiful, beautiful song.

Life?

2009-06-09T12:04:00.006+07:00

At some point, something got me thinking; what do I do when future hits me? I dreamed so much about growing older, graduating from college, getting a job, doing great in it, get married, have children and so on. I even talked about it sometime, planned things. But then I get to the point where I list the things I'm gonna miss. Surprisingly, my house was on the top of the list.

Gosh, I love my house. The way the sun shines on parts of it. The antique furniture I always think of having too many. The way it smells really weird on account of my 5 cats and the air-freshener's scent bumping together.
How I always see my Dad sleeping on the couch downstairs early in the morning because he always wakes up around 5 or 6 but got nothing to do.
How sometimes I heard my housekeepers setting things up at 4.30.
How the house always seems noisier in the afternoon after my brother comes home from school and how he sometimes bother me when I'm alone in my room when actually he just wanted to check up on me, making sure everything's alright. Oh, I'm beginning to like him.

my brother, who, in my opinion, is too involved with his computer

How I know I put everything in my room, how it became my world. There's the scribbles and graffiti on my wall, things people wrote when they were here. There's the new Marvin the Martian helmet my bf just bought me. My books, each of them have stories that are really close to my heart. My artworks, cheap-ish but my mom always holds dear. My HUGE window people always so fascinated about, through which I can see the tower of my neighbourhood's mosque.

my room, and its excessive windows

and of course, I gonna miss my family. I've negotiated with myself if I could possibly still live with them after I'm married, but it's unlikely.
I hate growing old. I wanna just stay exactly like this. I'm scared shitless of moving on, and I can see in my parents eyes, they're scared too. I think I'm scared of losing them as much as they're scared of losing me, and to my misery, I think I may have sped things up for them.

my parents.

It's funny how you can resent your family and still love them with all your heart. I don't resent my family. And I should stop complaining about it.

Worse comes to worst, if I don't move on, everything around me is going to. So there's absolutely no point of staying. It's pretty sad.

Look of The Day

2009-06-04T21:34:00.003+07:00

I'm ready to go to bed. My eyes are already tearing up. Argh.

The last one I made today.
Au revoir.

Chickened Out

2009-06-03T23:53:00.002+07:00

I know I talk much about crushing certain people's life, calling names, mentioning things I'd like to do to make them miserable. But when I actually had the chance to do it, and kinda did it unintentionally, I feel awful. I don't like it at all. The feeling when you know someone is disturbed by your presence, ugh.
You know I wish certain people feel like I do, so they stop doing things that could hurt other people. Sometimes I'd just really like to know what's in their mind when they do everything. Hm.
So to those whom I bothered tonight, I'm sorry. I hope somehow I could find a way to say it and you can actually hear me.

and I silently hope you feel as sorry as I am.

Groan.

2009-06-03T20:05:00.002+07:00

Something really nagged me. Eugh. I hate the way some people talk. You know, it's when you try nicely to create a conversation then they just respond to you with a word. No, the shortened version of a word. Not even a complete one. Eugh. I hate it. Did I say that I hate it? Yes, I hate it. Eugh.

Tuesday at Home

2009-06-02T12:16:00.008+07:00

12.14
Looklet-ing all morning. Haven't eat yet, starving but unmotivated. It's gonna be a loooong day. I haven't even got out of bed. Too lazy? Or too bummed?

something I made last night

12.19
Crap. I think I'm just gonna take a shower and watch some DVDs.

12.27
Hesitated to take a shower due to a text in my inbox. Hoaaa. I feel like I could easily plant my head in a sewer. Where's my Patronus spell when I need it?

12.31
Ran into one of my friends' blogs. I saw he replied my comment on his post. It was nothing special, really. But somehow I found it soothing. And of course the song playing in his page doesn't suck either. I should take a shower.

12.41
Still haven't got out of bed. HUARRGGGHHH. GERAAHHH. *maki2an*. Feeling stupid. COME ON KALISTA! GET UP! YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE A SAD PUPPY SITTING THERE ALL DAY! DO SOMETHING!

13.14
Ok. I took a shower. What now?

13.29
pret.

13.51
Watched the ending of You've Got Mail in HBO and wept. Definitely have to go to ITC and buy the dvd.

14.04
Turns out I can't. :(

14.34
Flicking through the channels absent-mindedly. Found Murder She Wrote, but then again, absent-mindedly. Genuinely bored. I want to watch You've Got Mail. I already had Seven Pounds in the player but can't seem to play it. I want You've Got Maiiiiiillll.

14.56
I really wish I could drive. And to that effect, I really wish I had my own car.

16.06
Just came back from ITC. Hahahahahaha. Now I can watch You've Got Mail. I also bought Slumdog and The Class. Yay!

18.57
Just came back from watching YGM and Friends. Huff. I think it's time I stop this.

Fashioonnnnnn

2009-06-01T23:46:00.003+07:00

So, I found a new "toy". It's called www.looklet.com. It's where you can play barbie with over-the-edge fashion taste and great models. Enough said, I'm addicted. So far, this is my all time favourite :

A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes

2009-06-01T20:21:00.004+07:00

You know the kinda dreams you've woken up upset about?
I hate dreams. They just make you hopeful. And since I believe a dream is an interpretation your subconscious make about things, then I guess I just hate how I make myself hopeful.

Classifications of Friends

2009-05-31T12:28:00.004+07:00

it's only two days and I'm already out of things to do. So I do what I can with my MacBook : rambling.

So here goes :
1. Regular friends, whom you always say hello to but never really stay to chat with. Pleasant people, you care about them but not in an intense way.
2. Close friends, people who see you everyday and know just what type of person you are. Are you the outgoing one, or the quiet one, or the cocky one and so on. But you don't really feel you have a connection with them.
3. Strange-bonded friends, those you had history with. You know everything's over between the two of you but you can't help feeling somewhat responsible for one another. You're happy when they're happy, and you're not afraid to let them go just to find that they can always be there when you need them.
4. Best friends, people who know you inside and out. You're not afraid to be the worst of yourself in front of them because somehow you know they won't mind. They appreciate the differences they encounter while being friends with you. They don't ask questions when they know you're not ready to answer. These are the people you really want to please because you're so grateful they're always around.
5. A soul mate, the other side of you, the Yin to your Yang, the person who knows you best. Who reasons when you're emotional, who taught you how to feel when you're thinking logic. Who's mad when you make a mistake and makes mistakes just to make you mad. Who has nothing in common with you, but is connected to your every move. Your bittersweet relationship. The tears in your laugh and the smile in your pain.

Ps : Sometimes it feels like I'm losing everyone on my list and I couldn't feel more alone.

Seven Things

2009-05-29T16:41:00.004+07:00

I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
but nothing's gonna change until you hear, my dear

the 7 things I hate about you

the 7 things I hate about you
you're vain, your games, you're insecure
you love me, you like her
you make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
your friends, they're jerks
and when you act like them just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
and the 7th thing I hate the most that you do,
you make me love you

and compared to all the great things
that would took too long to write
I probably should mention
the 7 that I like :

the 7 things I like about you
your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
and when we kiss I'm hypnotized
you make laugh, you make me cry
but I guess that's both I'll have to buy
your hand in mine
when we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to be with the one I know

and the 7th thing I like the most that you do :
you make me love you..

--Miley Cyrus

PS : as cheesy as it sounds, it rings true.

I'm Growing A Brain, or rather.. Destroying One.

2009-05-28T06:28:00.003+07:00

It's like, "Ya Tuhan, kapan gue bisa tidur dengan tenaaang?!"

PS : si Mac blom bobo juga udah 3 hari, dekil, panas dan lemot. Mungkin hr ini dia bakal gue suruh bobo sebentar. Maafkan aku, putih, aku sedang sangat membutuhkanmu.

Rubik's Cube Philosophy

2009-05-25T21:46:00.006+07:00

I never can get why certain people look so hard for the formula of life. Like some kind of equation that can explain or solve problems. The search prevents you from the true purpose you're living : be alive. Make things happen and enjoy every minute of what you have made. Absorb every essence and just feel.

It's like when you're handed a Rubik's cube, what would you rather do; try to figure it out by yourself even though it might take months or look somewhere for the way to do it so you can solve it in a matter of minutes?

Late Night "Epiphany".

2009-05-23T21:51:00.001+07:00

I don't wanna be an 'also', I wanna be an 'only'. Why is it so hard for me to say?

Summer Movie Review Pt. II

2009-05-22T20:13:00.004+07:00

Night at The Museum 2

I must say I was doubtful before I watched it. I mean right before. Because I caught one of my friends said that it's ... kinda overrated. But well, it was pretty entertaining. The idea of historic people and creatures coming back to life all over again, is breath-taking. It would be a very fun way to learn history, don't you think? I would be honored, for an instant, to meet bobblehead Einsteins and have them explain why I should learn how to count, in tiny noises and.. well, bobbling heads. Ha!
Plus, I got to see Al Capone in black and white. Three cupids that reminded me of The Jonas Brothers. Of course, Amelia Earheart! Exciting!
The film's pretty funny, although the story line might be a little over the top. It was like seeing the comedy version of The Mummy, or a movie titled "The Museum Movie" (as in Scary Movie, or Superhero Movie, and so on), but yeah in a more classy way. The speical effects are not bad. Neat. Ben Stiller's acting still typical Ben Stiller, a little quieter though.
All in all, I can't see why this should be a bad movie. It's light, I don't think anybody should expect too much out of it. I'm kinda curious how it would look in 3D. Must be more exciting.
Hmmm, maybe 3.5 stars out of 5.

PS : I just realized there are a lot of sequels going on this summer. And eugh, no, I don't really wanna see The New Moon. Somehow for me, it's gonna feel like I'm seeing High School Musical 2.

Ewok. Si Gendut Bau Hilang!

2009-05-22T06:16:00.005+07:00

Kemarin, kucing gue si Ewok menghilang. Agak panik juga karena terakhir terlihat lagi main di kamar gue. Gue udah nanya semua orang rumah, katanya nggak ada yang ngeliat. Kucing-kucing lain juga udah gue tanya, tapi semua punya alibi. Choco lagi sibuk jilat-jilat pantat di kamar tante gue, Cingki sama Nala bobo di bawah, Chiko bobo di kamar nyokap. Mulai terbayang lah omelan-omelan nyokap gue kalau sampe tu kucing yang buntutnya sepotong sampai hilang beneran. Terbayang kemudian hari-hari penyesalan gue karena gue terlalu sibuk dengan laptop.
Gue inget-inget lagi tadi kayanya Ewok lagi main di jendela sebelum menghilang. Jangan-jangan terjun ke bawah. Gue tengok dari jendela kamar gue, nggak ada tanda-tanda ada kucing terjun. But then again, tanda macam apa yang bisa kelihatan kalo kucingnya udah terjun? Akhirnya gue cari ke luar. Gue panggil-panggil tapi nggak nyaut si Ewok. Setelah gue bersusah payah jongkok-jongkok untuk ngeliat di bawah kolong mobil, muncul dia! Meringkuk deket ban kanan depan dengan meongan kecil, "mauuww" seakan mau bilang "gue di sini goblok!"
Ah kucing gila, berarti bener dia terjun dari jendela kamar gue. Gue aja selama ini mau kabur dari rumah masih mikir-mikir dulu bisa keluar lewat jendela atau nggak, dia lancar amat!
Yang nyebelinnya setelah gue bawa ke dalem, nyokap gue malah nuduh gue yang ngelempar ke luar. Buseng.
"Coba diperiksa kakinya pincang nggak? Kasiaaann jatuhh."
Ewok pasti bangga sekali. Mendengkur dengan keras ketika disayang-sayang nyokap gue tanpa memikirkan gue yang udah merasa sangat bersalah sebelum gue menemukan dia. Sial.

kiri : Ewok si Kucing, Kanan : Ewok yang sebenarnya

beda tipis kan?

Fragments of Fragments of Fragments...

2009-05-20T20:40:00.003+07:00

Have you notice how I became less talkative in the last few days?
That my laugh seems to fade by the minute?
That my gaze often seems empty, for I have thousands of things running around my mind barbarically?

It's a habit that always comes when I'm facing something big. Like the final exams (which I'm actually having right now), or when I'm planning a surprise party. When my mind got so caught up, and no, I don't multitask like many people say I do.

Have you notice?
Of course you haven't.
You're high in your own world, walking on a rainbow, floating like a person in love.
Maybe you are.

Is It Wicked Not to Care?

2009-05-20T20:01:00.001+07:00

Is it wicked not to care when they say that you're mistaken
Thinking hopes and lots of dreams that aren't there?
Is it wicked not to care when you've wasted many hours
Talking endlessly to anyone that's there?
I know the truth awaits me
But still I hesitate because of fear

Skipping tickets making rhymes
Is that all that you believe in?
Wearing rags to make you pretty by design
Rusting armour for effect
It's not fun to watch the rust grow
For it will all be over when you're dead

Counting acts and clutching thoughts
By the river where the moss grows
Over rocks the water running all the time
Is it wicked when you smile Even though you feel like crying
Even though you could be sick at any time?

But if there was a sequel
Would you love me as an equal?
Would you love me till I'm dead

--Belle & Sebastian

hmm.

2009-05-20T19:44:00.001+07:00

tau ahh.

Kereta dan VRRM

2009-05-18T21:30:00.004+07:00

Hari ini jalan-jalan naik kereta bersama pacar. Ahh, ya terjebak tugas jurfot yang mengharuskan foto transportasi publik Jakarta. Tapi cukup menyenangkan. Si pacar excited karena baru 2 kali naik kereta. Lucunya. Gue juga sih, tapi udah keseringan ngeliat tiap hari jadi rasanya udah sering naik aja. Hahaha. Naik kereta ekspress tuh oke juga lho ternyata. Nggak sumpek, bau, riweh, basah (?) kayak kalo naik kereta Ekonomi. Kayak naik subway di pelem-pelem. Lumayan laah.

I think occasions like these are what I love about my current relationship. We're not afraid to try something new. Eat someplace we've never been, go somewhere even if we don't know how, ride different transportations. It's so much fun! Instead of just going around in a car, eating at some fancy place at the mall, seeing on-sale items we still can't afford to buy.

Yang kayak gini yang bikin hari-hari gue lebih berwarna, lebih gado-gado rasanya (seperti kacang?).

For this, I'm thanking him : Vicky Rangga Restu Moyo. For the colours you bring to my world. Not all of them are bright, but each completes the others. :)

Summer Movie Review

2009-05-17T17:57:00.004+07:00

Angels & Demons

I just saw it.
Hm. Disappointing, actually. I expect Angels & Demons to be somewhat of a better, more magnificent movie than the previous one, The Da Vinci Code--at least an equal, since I know the book is so much better than Da Vinci Code. But no. Yes sure, as a movie it's really good. It can play with our emotions. The visualization of the symbology, the landscapic setting (The Vatican City, Rome and the churches), they're actually quite good. Even though in the end there's a weird twist at the symbology section. The scoring, man, I don't know, I just love it. It's like I finally get to see what I've imagined when I had read the book, and it's good.

BUT.

They erased some of the key characters, which I think ruined the mood of the film.
They ripped off a key event, which I think is one of the most exciting one.
They. Changed. The. Plot.
The main ingredient as to why this story even exist.

Hey, I know adaptation movies are always like this (except LOTR, which I find better than the books). It happened with most of the Harry Potter films--especially the current ones, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2 (I think it's waaaay across the line to cram 3 great books into one movie), and of course so many more (I suddenly blanked when I tried to think of big adaptation movies). The Da Vinci Code film, I can tolerate because it's still as exciting as the book and the removal of certain elements are not necessarily disturbing.

Pffthh.
Well, for a movie I give Angels & Demons 4 out of 5.
For an adaptation--and because I'm such a big fan of Dan Brown's novels, 2.

Be happy those who haven't read Angels & Demons.

Here Comes UAS

2009-05-17T09:15:00.005+07:00

Setelah hampir 2 minggu gue absen dari dunia pergosipan (baca: Facebook), akhirnya gue kembali. FB canggih ya sekarang? Chatnya udah bisa diatur appear offline to some, trs notificationnya to the point skrg, bukan muncul merah2 di pojokan lg. hihihi. Norak deh gue. Hm. It's not gonna be a long visit, I'm just checking on some things. Lalu gue akan absen lagi karenaaa jengjeeng! UAS akan menyita perhatian gue. Apalagi dengan banyaknya tugas, gue rasa nggak akan selesai kalo gue fesbukan mulu. AYO 3,9! Hahahahaha.

PS : hari ini mau nonton Angels & Demons, setelah kemarin gagal total gara-gara penuh di mana-mana. Imagine me sprinted from Pejaten Village to Citos wearing 7 cm wedge shoes (or was it 9?) just to find out that everything's full booked. Well, I didn't actually sprint, but it's not an exaggeration, it felt like I did.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

--The Beatles (duh!)

Eyes of The Beauty

2009-05-16T15:05:00.002+07:00

I watched Oprah today, it's about beauty and how people from different countries and cultures perceive it. The show featured countries like India, Brazil, Indonesia (yay!), Mauritania, Japan, and Iran. It got me thinking about the concept of beauty itself. All these years there are always two sides of arguments about beauty, one who says that beauty is what you can see, touch, smell; the other says beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I'm still deciding what my stance is.
Yeah, I know beauty is beyond looks, beyond fashion. But I'm not gonna deny the fact that I'd like to dress up and put on make up once in a while to look good. I love fashion, don't get me wrong, and I love it edgy.

The thing is, I learned not to perceive beauty only by looking at the exterior of a person, the hard way. Isn't it ironic, the person you don't even know, whom you think you'll never harm, who looks prettier than you--nobler, even, is the person who in the end hurts you the most? You know, the miss goody-two-shoes who's actually hiding a pointy tail and horns?

I think, when you truly wanna be beautiful, you'd have to live up to what you're gonna wear. For example, if you wanna wear something graceful, then be graceful. Otherwise you'll just gonna look desperate. If you want people to see you're a good person then be one. Smile more, do good deeds instead of just fool around with somebody else's boyfriend and claiming you care about them.
I believe, unconsciously, we all understand this. It's those comments I often hear from my friends :
"Ih padahal celananya bagus, sayangnya dia yang pake!"
"Cewek cantik biasanya brengsek."
Ha.
These comments happen for a reason, you know. We're perceiving beauty in a wrong way. I think, before you dress all beautiful and fancy, mend your personality first.

That way, you won't need much else to look.. truly beautiful.

In Repair

2009-05-14T22:50:00.002+07:00

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it's taking so long, I could be wrong I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice,
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am. In repair.

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait on the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And bring some brand new lucks upon me

Oh, it's taking so long, I could be wrong I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice,
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am. In repair.

And now I'm walking in the park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again,
it will be good to say you know me...

--John Mayer, In Repair.

Thu, 22.45

2009-05-14T22:38:00.002+07:00

Is it my fault when I blurted out what I feel, to you?
I just don't want things to change.
When all the while change is the only way to go.

I'm trying to keep things in track, like you've asked me to.
I've left my emotion at bay, like you've asked me to.
I've been relatively honest when I feel something, like you've asked me to.

It has left me being pretentious.

I Wrote It in Bed With My Eyes Half Closing.

2009-05-13T19:48:00.003+07:00

My eyes aching
I whine all the time.
Maybe I'm just worn out.

Have you ever think that?

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you cos I find hard to take.
When people run in circles is a very, very mad world.
--Mad World, Tears for Fears

Bubbly.

2009-05-12T18:00:00.007+07:00

So. I skipped a class today.
Here's what I did : made soap bubble. ha!

Hahaa.

I made the bubbles out of soap, and salt. I know, weird. According to http://www.wikihow.com/Make--Bubble-Solution, I should've used sugar instead of salt. Go figure. Hahaha.

Yet another productive afternoon.

Hm. I saw a rainbow this morning. Quite beautiful, I haven't seen rainbows in ages. Hm, that colorful optical illusion forming an arch above us. Pfth. Why does it always seem so faulty to me?

...

2009-05-11T22:01:00.001+07:00

Has anyone ever been so gloomy you don't know what to write? Blagh

Moanday.

2009-05-11T16:51:00.004+07:00

Hari Senin lagi. Hoekk.
Hmm. Actually, hari Senin ini nggak terlalu menyebalkan kok.

Tadi pagi pas gue jalan ke depan buat nunggu bis, gue melihat sekumpulan anak-anak lagi main ayunan di taman kecil deket rumah gue. Mereka nyanyi-nyanyi kompak banget. Seneng deh ngeliatnya. Eits, tapi tunggu dulu. Kok lagunya familiar ya.. hm. Astaga. Lagunya ST12 yang "kamu-kamu-kamu" (hayahh lupa judulnya apa). Dan mereka pun hapal seperti dulu gue hapal lagu Bintang Kecil dan A Whole New World. Oh, man.

Grok grookk. Nyampe kampus bertemu Resti sedang membahas tugas review skripsi. Yawn. Ternyata kelas Mencari dan Menulis Berita gue menyenangkan sekali. Bang Masmimar Mangiang (dulu gue pernah manggil dia Mas Mimar lalu gue sadar bahwa itu sama aja memanggil nama depannya dengan sangat tak sopan) udah nyiapin sebuah video perjalanan kelas gue. Isinya footage-footage gue dan teman-teman gue lagi sibuk ngerjain the-never-ending-tasks di kelas. Tampangnya ada yang cengo, ada yang sibuk usrek-usrek kepala, ada yang sok-sok nggak sadar diliput kamera, bahkan ada yang kelihatannya lagi mikir tapi ternyata membenamkan kepalanya di tangan. Tidur.
Ahh so sweet. Ternyata si abang merasa punya koneksi sama kita. Hm. Jadi sedih mikirin ini hari terakhir gue diajar dia.

Pas pulang, something unexpected but not surprising happened : ban belakang motor si pacar bocor lagi. Ngookk. Jadilah gue ujan-ujanan nyari tukang tambel ban. Yah, gapapa sih, gue menganut kepercayaan apa pun yang terjadi kalo sama pacar pasti menyenangkan. Yap, even berjalan dari seberang FPsi sampe Pocin di tengah hujan dengan sendal terendam becek dan celana corduroy yang ujungnya terlalu kecil sehingga nggak bisa digulung. Kayaknya gue kualat karena nggak nganterin Resti ke PAU.

Sambil nunggu ban motor dibenerin gue makan di Pocin. Tiba-tiba ada seorang cowok, kira-kira seumuran gue atau mungkin sedikit lebih muda berdiri di sebelah meja gue. Ngejogrog aja gitu. Gue kira dia ngapain di situ, akhirnya dicoba aja dikasih duit sama si pacar ehh mau doi! Aduh ternyata pengemis. Hm. Agak menggelitik sebenernya. Dia masih muda, badannya nggak kenapa-kenapa, tampangnya sehat, kenapa nggak kerja aja sih? Jadi tukang tambal ban kek!

Hmm.
Senin, Senin.
Capek sebenernya gue mikirin hari. Kuliah lagi, tugas lagi. Ah monoton. Pikiran gue dari tadi masih melayang ke anak-anak penggemar ST12 yang nyanyi-nyanyi tadi pagi. Terlalu cepat dewasa sepertinya mereka. Jangan ahh.
Susah jadi orang dewasa.

PS : udah hampir seminggu gue nggak buka Facebook! yay! Dan gue baru aja nyelupin kentang goreng ke air putih (niatnya mau dicocol sambel tapi salah alamat).

Nightly Weekend.

2009-05-10T10:46:00.003+07:00

Kemarin... paman datang.
Ehh nggak. Kemarin gue kejebak macet di Halim. Panjaaaaang banget. Gara-gara banjir yang lumayan tinggi, untung kemaren pake Escape ijo nyokap yang gagah berani. Yang menarik sebenarnya adalah pembicaraan gue dan nyokap gue.

Nyokap : "Itu gedung apa sih?"
(kita lagi ada di depan gedung Perumnas, tau kan? Ya di situlah pokoknya. Sebelahnya kan ada gedung juga, nyokap gue nunjuk ke gedung itu).
Gue : (abis baca plang di depannya) "Itu Perguruan Tinggi Teknologi."
Nyokap : "Hah? Emang iya?"
Gue : "Iyaaa itu ada tandanya."
Nyokap : "Yaampun kampusnya jelek amat. Kayak WC umum."

Yah, kalo gue sih agak tertohok aja misalnya kampus gue yang dibilang kayak WC umum (dan agak intrigued kalo ngeliat ada WC umum segede kampus. Kebayang baunya).

Satu hal yang gue benci : fogging.
They fogged my house this morning and it was all... well, foggy. I hate the eerie smell. It smelt.. poisonous. ("Lagi mabok ya? Kamu nyamuk dong!", kata si pacar). Weekend ini memang lucu dan cukup jauh dari harapan. Ahh, well. Like I said, one can't have too many.

Tapii... gue kemaren mampir ke Times Bookstore yang ada di Kemang Village dan berhasil menemukan (jengjeeeeng)...

The Night World vol.2 by L.J Smith
(yang udah gue cari-cari sejak jaman SMP)

Wahahaa. I'm HAPPY. I've been looking all over town for this series. Every imported-book store! And there was only ONE in here! HOAAA!
This volume contains three titles : Dark Angel, The Chosen and Soulmate. I've read two of them, actually (The Chosen and Soulmate). But I love "Soulmate" so much I don't mind buying it in a bundle. Twilight? Lewat! Hahaha.

Somehow, I never seem to like Twilight series. They're too... commercialized. Ha. I think the movie is even worse. It actually ruins the illusion of the night world. Pfftth. I guess I don't have that connection with Stephanie Meyer. I love L.J Smith and Anne Rice too much.

Have you ever wonder why the best of vampire novels are written by women?

The Witch's Song.

2009-05-09T22:39:00.002+07:00

It's the sensation of being left out. Not by anyone, but by that place where I truly belong. It's excruciating. Knowing that this isn't where I'm supposed to be. I don't ask to be something more, I ask to be something different. Something... otherworldly.

I want to live in the dark, if that what suits me.
I'd cast spells or grow fangs if I have to.
I want to wish I were special, and be shown that I really am.
Otherwise I think I'm done being hopeful.

All the disappointments I can't bear.
All the thoughts that I'm just ordinary.

Doesn't it kill, when you know you're just stuck here?
That you're doing the things they say you should do when you know it's not what you're supposed to?

All the witches, the vampires and night creatures.
All the intensity, the adventure and the sensation.
Sometimes I wish I live in this world people created, to realize that they're actually real.

I don't ask to be something more.
I ask to be someone different.

HOAAAAAAAA!!

2009-05-08T19:58:00.003+07:00

Weekend is here! Hoaa! Yeaaah!

Oh God, I think it has been a very long week! And it may be longer yet next week! I'm just so glad it's Friday again so tomorrow I can oversleep as long as I want. TGI Friday.

Tugas masih menumpuk. One after another. Crap. Tapi gue mau bersyukur aja untuk minggu ini. Paling nggak, gue dapet beberapa GREAT news. No, I'm not gonna tell you what they are. I don't wanna jinx it.
Alhamdulillah.

It has been a roller coaster ride. More intense than ever. I feel like I'm exhausted, inside and out. Maybe it's the reason I haven't get a good sleep in two weeks (!). Hoaaaa! Mau teriak-teriak rasanya. Haha. I'm too happy, I don't care if I'm writing this post in two languages. Bodo amat! Gue bahagia!

Ternyata nggak susah kok bikin gue bahagia. It just takes a fulfilling week, a long chat with old time best friend, and my precious, precious bed and I'm content. Besok mau ke Benhil, liat-liat kamera (and hopefully purchase one). Abis itu macaaarrrrrr. Ahh kangen kamu pacar!

Ayo ayo UAS. Cepatlah kau datang dan pergi.
Percaya nggak, bahkan suatu hari karena begitu senangnya gue membayangkan liburan nanti gue sampai berteriak "Halellujah!" grok. Nggak, gue nggak murtad. Itu keceplosan. Sumpah. Besok shalat deh (I'm still having my period right now).

Hmm.
Yeah, I think it's true, that you shouldn't look too far for happiness. Sure you can get gay-ly happy when something big comes to your life. When you're at your wedding, or you get a promotion, or when you're sitting in a beach all by yourself just watching the sun sets.
But also, you can get content just by :
Reading a text message in your cellphone from your spouse claiming that he/she loves you.
Finding that 5000 Rupiahs in your pocket you didn't know you had.
Being able to mingle with your family after a very busy week.
Waking up so early in the morning just to realize that you still have an hour or two to sleep.
And so much more. Those little things that make you realize you're alive. The things that make you feel you belong somewhere, or with someone. Those little things that, for even a second or two, make you smile.

I'm happy.

"Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little things like wearing these pants or getting to a new level of Dragon's Lair - making those count for more than the bad stuff. Maybe we just get through it... and that's all we can ask for." -- Bailey, in Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants.

Accidental Babies

2009-05-07T21:44:00.003+07:00

Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me
Before one of us has accidental babies
For we are in love

Do you come
Together ever with him?
Is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
Do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?

What about me?

Tidur

2009-05-06T20:45:00.002+07:00

Tidur itu menyenangkan.
Tidur itu buta,
Tidur itu mati rasa.

Bukan perwujudan malas.
Seperti esensinya,
Tidur itu istirahat.
Istirahat dari semua,
mematikan seluruh sistem logika dan menghapus segenap isi hati.

Untuk sesaat, aku tidak merasa.
Untuk sesaat, mimpiku jadi nyata.
Untuk sesaat, aku adalah aku.

Dan aku tak butuh bunga-bungamu
Aku tak butuh kau bawa pergi ke negeri orang

Aku hanya butuh tidur.

*antara sebuah metafora, atau justifikasi kegemaran tidur gue.

Musical Muse

2009-05-05T20:07:00.003+07:00

So.
Haha.

It's been years since I played a piano. Let's see... probably the last time I played it when I was in 4th grade. Hahahahaha. Today, with the help of my lovely musical muse (my bf) and a tutorial video from YouTube, I learned how to play "Accidental Babies" by Damien Rice. What a productive afternoon, I must say.
Here is a part of what I have learned :

Accidental Babies cover.amr - moi!

What a mess, huh? Hmm. My dad's a musician, he has an entire studio filled with music instruments. Guitars, drums, keyboards, couple of mixers, lots of amplifiers, and stuff I don't understand about. I should be a musician too, you know.
I wish I were.

Diet

2009-05-04T19:36:00.001+07:00

Once in a while, it might be healthy to lay off the things that are bad for me. So, in essence, I think I'm gonna lay off Facebook for a while.

The Scientist

2009-05-04T11:15:00.000+07:00

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard."

Morning Sickness

2009-05-04T07:23:00.004+07:00

My brain's shooting up
Chaotic messages enter and ruin
What is it do you want me to say?
I've opened all my heart to hear
and I'm not asking to be heard.

I have all my life to distract me
Yet it's not enough to blast my pain into space

No, I never ask to be heard.
But I could use a few buckets to cry.

Lesson Learned

2009-05-03T21:38:00.001+07:00

I guess one can't get too many, can one?

Saturday Night Mood Swings

2009-05-02T20:38:00.004+07:00

20.37
Bored. Typing. Blah. Saturday nights are overrated.

20.42
Does anyone ever got tired of asking too much? I do. I think I had too much expectations on things that I became easily disappointed. Then I've got too much disappointment, it's easy to make myself numb.

20.46
Thanks you've been fuel for thought, now I'm more lonely than before but that's ok. I've just read and made another stupid love song. -Amiel

21.07
Tried to access getjar.com but didn't succeed. My mom wants to download ebuddy for her new cellphone : Nokia E75. Hmm. What is it about Nokia that I don't like? I don't know, their cellphones never get me really excited. Unlike my current one, Sony Ericsson s500i that had me going for weeks before I finally have it. Now I'm passionate about Xperia. ha!

21.23
Browsed through series of print ads in DeviantArt. Phew, these people are amazing! Mine was N-O-T-H-I-N-G compared to theirs.

random favourites
(click for details)

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever gonna be good enough to make money from graphic designing. After all, I never really get the proper course for it. Ah, what am I gonna do with my life????

22.00
Chatting with one of my best friends about men. Found out that men are all evil. And so are women. Ah well, to quote Hugh Grant in Two Weeks Notice : "Nobody wants to live with a saint! Saints are boring!"

22.07
Realized that I haven't been truly happy in a while.

22.38
Realized how different is my life today than it was a few years back.

22.54
Having a chat with one of my classmates about conspiracy theories. Sick topic to be talking about, I know. Whatever. I think there's too much we don't know about, it's not fair to be pointing fingers. Having been learning the works of media for the past two years, I know for sure not to trust it.

When you trust the television
What you get is what you got
'Cause when they own the information
Oh, they can bend it all they want.
-John Mayer

23.28
Getting a bit sleepy. My head's starting to act up. The conversation's beginning to drift off to something less serious and eventually misleading.

23.55
Really considering to hit the bed.

00.04
It's no longer Saturday night. I'm signing off.

Different Kind of Magic

2009-05-02T20:28:00.002+07:00

Sometimes I'd like to imagine myself living during the era of king and queens. Where people still believe in sorcery. Nowadays, they believe in WiFi and Blackberrys.

Cermin

2009-05-02T16:53:00.001+07:00

Don't make me feel bad for having done the things you're still doing.

Eyang.

2009-05-02T10:57:00.005+07:00

Like every Saturday, my grandma dropped by this morning to write things on my notebook. Remember my grandma?

Yep that's her.

Over the years, I think my relationship with my grandma is the most fulfilling relationship I have with someone, in terms of me as an observer of life. I've watched my life and hers, developing from time to time.
I remember when I was in second grade, I was living in a rented house because mine was being renovated. That way my grandma had to go back and forth to visit me. She visited every other weekend. During that period of time, we had the worst relationship. I hated her guts. She nagged me about stupid little things all the time. About table manners, about my homework, the way I sleep, the way I talk. Yada yada yada. As a revenge, sometimes I break her things "unintentionally". And believe it or not, I even stole money from her. Not really to make her drop poor, but just to make a point. I never use the money I stole anyway. I sure saw that everytime she spent the weekend in our rented house, she was miserable yet she always managed to come back every so often. Until that day, when she caught me groping inside her purse. She sat me down and talked very softly :
"If you want to buy something you should just ask me, you know. I'll even take you to the place they sell it."
And just that. She didn't judge me, she didn't tell my parents about it, and after I told her the reason I did it she's stopped nagging me around. Our relationship turned upside down. I began to respect her, vice versa. The remaining weekend visits became more bearable.

In junior high, my passion to learn foreign language is in its highest place. I asked her to teach me, since she knew how to speak in, like, 6 six languages (Bahasa, Javanese, Francais, Deutsch, Dutch, English). She gratefully did so. Until I ruined it. I missed one or two sessions, then it grows to three, five, ten and finally I decided to stop the course. At the moment I didn't think I was doing anything to her. After all, she claimed she was ok with it.

Growing up, I became more and more observant of things around me. And the life of my grandmother turned out to be the most interesting subject for my observation. What I found out, age, the older you get, the simpler the things you want. Now you want a happy life, you want to pursue your dreams, a great husband (or wife, for that matter), save money for your future. When you're 90, all you want is a piece of "mendoan". Or to ride "kancil", or some medicine to ease your arthritis.

But Eyang, my. She still wants to learn how to type with my macbook, copying articles from The Jakarta Post she finds interesting. She still talks about Barrack Obama and truly understands the politics. She watches Friends. She's watched Kung Fu Panda, The Da Vinci Code and Golden Compass. Stepping into her bedroom, is like stepping into her heart. She's so proud of her children she put their photos everywhere on her wall. She has a photo album of her 90th birthday in which she insisted to have a photo of all of her grandchildren together. And there hung, a portrait of herself when she was 20 and I can say, she's still that vibrant, beautiful superwoman she was then. Sometimes I walked in on her, she was just lying on her back, silently gazing to the ceiling, exhaustion in her eyes. And my mind always wanders back to my second grade and my junior high school.

It's sad. She still has so many things to say, but so few of us would really listen. I just feel it must be lonely to be someone that old when everybody else is moving on but her pace is really slowing down. Her heart still have some room to understand the way things work beyond her time, but her body seems to be betraying her. I wish my body could contain such spirit--her spirit--someday, and carry on living hundreds of years, take her to see the world change.

Someday, I want the world to know about Eyang's life, everything she wants to share to our generation, and how she has touched my life.

Things I'll Never Say

2009-04-29T17:29:00.001+07:00

"I have a boyfriend, all you have is an affair. Ha!"

BLAH

2009-04-28T21:00:00.004+07:00

sometimes I plug my ears and play my iPod so loud I can't hear my own thoughts.

LeH kENaL?

2009-04-26T20:35:00.005+07:00

Hahaha.
Bagi orang-orang yang sudah cukup mengenal gw tentu mengerti apa yang akan gw tulis di sini hanya berdasarkan judulnya. Ya, kaum itu.

Sebelumnya gw ingin meminta maaf jika ada orang yang membaca tulisan gw ini dan merasa tersinggung. Sungguh, it's nothing personal. Cukup lama sebenarnya gw kepingin bikin tulisan ini, mempertimbangkan dampaknya nanti kalau sudah "terbit". Karena topik ini sebenarnya bisa sama sensitifnya dengan topik yang berkaitan dengan SARA. Hopefully, I've found the right approach to it.

First, imagine : kalian nonton.. let's say Friends. Suatu hari Joey bertemu dengan seorang cewek hot dan menyenangkan di Central Perk. Withouth hesitation Tribbiani mendekat dan mengumandangkan pick up line andalannya : "hey, how you doin'?". Si cewek kemudian tersenyum and bam! just like that mereka kenalan. Cewek ini nggak merasa tersinggung, atau males, atau mengeluarkan komentar-komentar ketus (baca : nyelekit) atau pergi begitu aja. Dan kita yang menonton pun nggak mengernyit. Intinya itu normal buat mereka dan kita. People meet someone new everywhere.
Atauuu. Udah nonton You've Got Mail? Yep, complete stranger met through the server and became good friends (they even hit it off at the end of the movie). Yaya, gw tau ini rekayasa. Tapi toh kita nggak pernah menganggap perkenalan mereka itu weird and awkward or even gross. It was normal. They use the network to its full potential. Networking.

Lalu bayangkan kalau itu terjadi di sini. Boro-boro kenalan lewat FB atw Fs, ketemu di mall yang notabene nya udah bisa ngeliat the whole package aja kita masih males. Dapet sms yang isinya : "hAy, LeH kNal?" kayaknya nistaaaa banget sampe bisa bikin kita ngomel-ngomel seharian. Coba kalo Jonathan Rhys Myers yang sms dengan kalimat "hEy cAn I gEt tO knOw yOu?" what will you do?

Personally gw juga nggak suka metode kenalan ini. Lebih sering mengganggu daripada menyenangkan. Menurut gw handphone, e-mail, dan account Fb gw adalah barang pribadi gw. People have to earn the access. Either they're my family, good friends, a friend of a friend, my seniors, my juniors, people I met during some events, and so on. I have to meet them personally first. I tend to communicate with people outside this category on a professional basis. Jadi kalo ada orang yang tanpa ba-bi-bu langsung ngeadd gw dan gw nggak kenal, maaf aja harus gw ignore. Sama halnya dengan orang-orang yang entah dari mana dapet nomor hp gw ngsms gw dengan tulisan yang amat sangat susah dicerna ngajak gw kenalan. Mending kalo kenalan trus beneran jadi good friends. Ini baru juga dua hari kenal udah coba-coba ngomong aku-kamu, nanya-nanya udah makan atau belum. Please deh, bukan urusan lo banget. Udah gitu kalau smsnya nggak dibales suka miskol-miskol!

Haha. Udah lama sih gw nggak mengalami yang beginian, karena nomor hp gw sempet ganti, tapi beberapa teman dan bahkan pacar gw masih beberapa kali mengalami hal ini. Gw nggak sepenuhnya menyalahkan orang-orang ini sih, after all "leh kenal?" itu kan semacam istilah lain dari "how you doin?". Kenapa sih begitu sampai di telinga kita kedengerannya beda banget? Dan kenapa gaya kenalan yang kayak gini merajalela banget? Friendster seakan tenggelam di tengah-tengah tumpukan "leh kenal". Facebook pun sepertinya mulai terjalar.

Karena gw pengen tulisan ini sifatnya netral (or maybe not so), mari kita renungkan kembali :
1. Bagi kita orang yang nggak suka sama gaya kenalan seperti ini coba deh buka mata. Kalau mau menolak lebih halus sedikit karena toh mereka juga manusia yang bisa sakit hati.
2. Bagi orang-orang yang menerapkan metode ini, tolong deh dijaga sedikit mannernya. Orang-orang tuh pada intinya nggak suka lohh sama gaya SKSD. It's one thing to be friendly, it's a whole other thing to be intrusive.

So there's that. Apa yang ingin gw sampaikan tanpa harus ngomel-ngomel. Haha.

PS: Gw tetep akan meng-ignore orang-orang yang ngeadd gw tanpa ada hubungan apapun. If I wanna make friends, I'll meet them in person.

That Kind of Dream

2009-04-26T09:43:00.005+07:00

I had yet another strange dream. I woke up startled, again. Not by the calamity of it, but rather by a morning phone call.
So, the entire cast of Friends were there and I was Rachel (ha!). It was around the time in the series where Rachel and Ross had just broke up, Ross was unexpectedly moving on and Rachel couldn't deal with it. We were messing around in some hotel room or a cabin with a connecting door to the next room. Somehow, we were hiding from something and next thing I knew I was in bed with Ross... and this other girl. Apparently he called out "honey" (or at least something that sounded like it), and I responded. Turned out he wasn't calling me but that other girl (let's call her Ms. X). So I ended up lying awkwardly there with Ross and Ms. X fooling around (euw). I eventually got up, and guess who I looked for first.

Joey.

Strange, but when I heard my own voice in the dream, man.. I sounded devastated.
"Where's Joey?"
And that big guy showed up and held me so strong I could really feel the warmth of his body wrapped around me. It felt... otherworldly. And amazingly soothing.

At first, I didn't really want to interpret it. It was too good and I won't spoil it by putting some essence of reality to it. But something tells me I could really relate. Maybe.. at the end of the day, what a Rachel really needs is a Joey. Someone that people see would be wrong enough to have commitment with, yet could actually fall in love with the right person.

Not that I wanna level myself with someone like Rachel, but...
..I think I have a Joey.

Me and Myself.

2009-04-25T21:50:00.004+07:00

I think at some point, everybody develops a split personality.
One is who they trust to come out and see people, one who they trust to remind them of who they really are. Mine have been fighting much more often lately, each is exhausted.

Misery Business

2009-04-25T21:38:00.003+07:00

I love bragging. It's my guilty pleasure

but sometimes, I know I'm not being arrogant, I'm just being realistic. sorry ;)

Ms. Cristina Yang

2009-04-24T19:05:00.004+07:00

Cristina : *sobs* hi, Yang.
Yang : what's with the face? You're not gonna whine to me, are you?
Cristina : Yang, I have a heart.
Yang : Well, I do too, it's the size of my fist, located in my left chest and it's beating.
Cristina : I don't know where my heart's located. Because when it's hurt, it aches everywhere.
Yang : believe me, it's the size of your fist, located in your left chest and hopefully it is beating otherwise I'd be talking to a zombie.
Cristina : why are you so insensitive?
Yang : why are you such a whiny little baby?
Cristina : in case you didn't know, I'm giving you ability to feel.
Yang : well in case you didn't know, I've been trying to be strong for both of us!
Cristina : a job which lately you haven't been so good at!

Cristina : oh, Yang. What are we getting ourselves into?
Yang : ... Life.

Science of Sleep

2009-04-22T06:11:00.004+07:00

I realized I've talked about mornings several times before. I wonder why.

Today I woke up with the strangest feeling. I know I dreamed about him, but I can't put my finger on it. What was it? Was he holding me in my dream? Was I holding him? Was there a fight? Hm. No, I don't think there was a fight. It's like a feel-good dream, the kind when you wake up you would try hard to remember but never really get there.

Hm. Are dreams supposed to come true? For so many years I've stopped believing that dreams could be telling the future or something. For me, dreams are our interpretations of how things should be or will be. They're your inner voices, that come to life when all of your other senses are asleep. Maybe dreams are where your conscience lies. Where that tiny little rush you call intuition takes control. The voices you should be listening to.

I don't know, I've been feeling freakish lately. I've woken up startled several time this week and I never seem to get a good sleep even though I've slept for, like, 8 hours a day.

What is this feeling?

note : I've been admiring this helmet he bought me yesterday. With Marv on it. ;)

Re : Festival Sinema Perancis

2009-04-19T20:05:00.005+07:00

So, tertarik dengan postingan Nyanya, gw akhirnya membuka site Festival Sinema Perancis. I'm so interested. I've been wanting to go to a film festival for so long, but Jiffest always clashes with my final exams. Damn. Every year!
Menyenangkan sekali ketika gw tau ada festival sinema yang nggak bentrok sama ujian apapun. Haha. FYI, sebelumnya gw nggak pernah tau jadwal festival-festival sinema selain Jiffest. Sering dapet program booknya CCF, tapi entah kenapa acara-acaranya selalu kelewatan begitu aja. Mudah-mudahan yang ini nggak.

Movies I plan to watch :

Rather light selections, I know. I'm just not in the mood to watch some thriller or complicated action movies in French right now. I think it'll be a fresh turn of movie-types and I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully the plan work out well.

For more info : http://www.sinema-perancis.com

Always a Sunday

2009-04-19T13:46:00.003+07:00

Sundays are the loneliest and most boring day of all. Don't you agree? I don't know, I wish I can explain it, but it's just the way it is. I've spent most of my Sundays just slobbering around in front of the tv, watching things I don't really wanna watch with my mind wondering if I have an undone task for tomorrow. Usually, on Sundays you would be too lazy to get up yet too bored to just sit around.
I hate Sundays.

Feline Chores

2009-04-18T15:04:00.007+07:00

Like a counterpart, today I waited in one of the best waiting rooms : the animal hospital waiting room.

I was taking my pets (my 2 youngest cats) to the doctor to get a vaccine. Like any other hospitals, it had a waiting room. But UNLIKE any other hospitals, the waiting room was so much fun. On my way to the seats, I was startled by a barking. It came from a puppy inside a box. A black one. I'm not an expert on canine breeding so I can't determined the race of this little one. I walked up to it and started baby-talking to it. Turned out it belonged to a group of kids playing around the box. Their mom was by the cashier.
I took a seat and not long after, those kids were surrounding my pet box. Just like I did with their puppy. After they went home, a new visitor caught my attention : a very large Iguana. It was big, I mean.. huge. Its tail was longer than the overall length of my cat's body and it was all spikey. It was like an oversized lizard, or a gecko who was exposed to a nuclear radiation or something. Many times I came to the hospital, today was the first I saw something like that. The best I had ran into before this iguana was a little Siberian Husky, a while back.
A little while after the iguana, a girl came holding a tiny cage. I suspected it was a hamster. Oh, I was like sitting in the middle of a petting zoo!

What interested me was, how the people there were so nice to each other. They were very friendly, they answered my every question with delight. The doctors never look scary, they were always smiling and there was a certain spark in their eyes. I think I can live there and be happy forever. My father had a theory : maybe when human beings had learned to care for other creatures, they automatically learned how to care for their own kind.

On my way out in the parking lot after I had my cats vaccinated, a middle-aged lady looked up to me and said "Are they okay? Are they cured?"
"Of course, they were just getting some injections."
I noticed the lady was playing with her female dog. Apparently the dog had just recovered from a serviks surgery. She had that cone around her neck, you know, the one that looks like a... satellite transmitter?
"I hope them well!" said the lady, smiling the widest.
"Thank you, and to you too!"

I think it's a very healthy environment. Maybe, just maybe, if everybody adopt a pet for their own, life would be just a little bit... brighter. :)

Choco(left) and Ewok, the youngest of the family